There is a lot of young men here on the chatter. I was wondering what some of you guys would think about this.

My daughter is approaching her 18th birthday. I have advised her to not pursue a serious relationship until she is at a place in her life that she can responsibly commit herself to a man in marriage. She has many male friends and associates with them mostly in group settings amongst friends. To this point she has taken my advice.

I asked my daughter to tell anyone wanting to pursue a one on one personal relationship with her to come to me and personally ask me for permission. At first she thought it was a little strange. I explained to her that any man wanting to pursue such a relationship that could not muster the courage to approach me personally and ask permission, is not a worthy candidate to provide her with the love that I have given her since she was born. If he is unwilling to jump this small hurdle I have put up to have a relationship with my daughter, what hurdles will he be unwilling to overcome later in the relationship to provide for her happiness and well being?

I trust my daughter's judgment to a degree. But she does not have the life experience I do nor does she fully understand the mind of a young man like I do. Knowing my daughter she will honor my request. She understands and agrees, but does feel somewhat uncomfortable about delivering my request.

So what would some of you young guys do if you wanted to pursue a relationship with a girl and she said, "You need to personally ask my Dad first?" Am I out of touch or am I setting up a healthy tripwire?

You are setting her up to go behind your back and do things you wouldn't want her to be doing... My girlfriend have a daughter the same age and I was a lot like you... She started lying about where she was going and with who because she didn't want me scaring the guys away... Doing clothes one day, I found evidence there was some sexual activity going on... Thats when I had a talk with her mom and we had a sit down with the daughter. She was sneaking around with a guy, she would go to her friends house, the boy would meet her there and then they would go do something with the guy. She was being sexually active with him also...

The best advice I can give you is that your daughter is not your "little girl" anymore. Instead of forcing that role upon her, talk to her... Be her best friend. You may not always like what you hear, some of it may even piss you off, but its best to know what they are doing so you can "adjust" what they are doing. Unless you follow your child 24/7, they are going to do things whether you like it or not. I do occasionally pop in to check on her from time to time just to keep that added fear that I may show up, and she probably shouldn't do that in fear of getting caught. Since the "sit down" with the girlfriend's daughter, we have put her on birth control for obvious reasons, talked with both her and her boyfriend about pregnancy, STD's, and other dangers such as drugs and alcohol. They actually like hanging out with us, come to us with their problems, follow our rules, and because of this, it allows us to keep track of them much easier preventing them from having sexual contact and contact with drugs or alcohol.

I'm not saying you shouldn't meet the guy, but don't put that kind of pressure on your daughter... You will regret it.

^^^You make some valid points. I do not believe however that I am forcing anything on her. I do talk to her and stress that it is my request and my advice. She does agree with my reasoning behind it but as anyone she would be a little uncomfortable delivering the request to someone who does not know me personally. I likely would not deny a young man's request and would honor my daughter's judgment, unless I clearly detected some nefarious intent. In that case I would communicate my judgment to my daughter first.

Sounds like you've put too many ground rules on your daughter. I've seen many a girls "explode" in college after being limited by overprotective parents. She's almost an adult...loosen your grip.

Yeah, you sound way to anal about your daughter...pretty much demanding some dude to ask you to date your daughter is a little extreme in my book.

ive never asked for permission from a girls father to date his daughter. i am not dating him, i am dating his daughter. it is her choice to make

he's not marrying her, only dating her. This is stupid imo.

I would never force my daughter's boyfriend to ask permission from me.

I would, however, always expect to meet him. It shows your daughter that you care and who she spends time with is important to you.

I would never disapprove of anyone she chose to date unless she's in some sort of danger.

She agrees with your reasoning to your face, yes. However, you seem way to overbearing on her.

If she was 15 or 16 and you were doing this, that's 100% fine, but the fact that she's about to be 18 means she's going to be able to lead the life she wants to lead, with or without your permission.

You need to loosen up with her a bit, it's fine to ASK to meet the guy she would like to date, but to demand that he asks your permission is a little much, imo. Like somebody else mentioned, the guy is dating your daughter not you. If he's good enough in her eyes that's all that's going to matter, especially if you try to push him away. There are some things she's going to have to learn herself and finding the right guy is one of them. You're not going to be there all the time and you need trust her to become the adult you've raised her to become.

If you did your job for the first 17 years, she should be just fine going forward. If she's going to college she'll be in an environment where anything goes pretty much, as I'm sure you probably know. Like I said though, you won't be there for her then.

would i ask a girl's dad to date his daughter? hell no

would i ask the dad for permission to marry his daughter? maybe, even though its old school

I think this is dumb. I think if the dude was trying to marry her, then yeah he should ask you first.

However, I hate to be THAT guy, but you're daughter is probably getting it from some strange places right about now. 18? When I was 18, I had more sex than I do now, and that ain't no lie!

She almost 18...not 14. In a couple of months she's a legal adult. I agree with dlazz. You are setting yourself up for a major problem if you don't loosen the reigns.

Wow this reminds me of the article I read yesterday on the duggars. You know the ones with 20 kids, how they have to be courted to date, they have to have a chaperone and aren't allowed to do anything more than hold hands until marriage.

Three words - LET.GO.POPS.

"I have advised her..."
"...to jump this small hurdle I have put up..."
"nor does she fully understand the mind of a young man like I do"

I mean, wow....way to let your daughter be her own person and have her own mind. You are basically telling her she's an idiot and can't survive this world without being under your control. Not only is that completely disrespectful to her, but it also shows your own insecurity about how good of a job you did raising her to begin with. Get over yourself.

I just wanted to add, your test is not going to scare off a guy who really wants to bang your daughter. I don't even consider myself overly confident, but if your daughter is hot, and I want to hit it and she's like "Well you have to meet my dad first", I would totally meet you, hit it, then if it sucked(or when another girl comes along), I'd dump her.

Hump and dump, and I'm one of the "nice" ones.

You want to make sure he's not black, don't you?!

This is way over the top... your daughter will probably end up going behind your back and not trusting and being honest with you if you go this route. This is not the 1800's. At this point you just have to hope you have raised an intelligent and confident young girl who will make the right decisions.

i agree with most of the other posters.

it just dating, whats the big deal? like others have said if the guy wanted to marry your daughter, then i can justify asking for permission. but for dating, get. real.

Maybe I'm a little too "modern" but I fail to see the issue with any girl having several serious relationships before she decides to marry. Or even beginning a serious relationship when she is young and not fully ready to setle down. It doesn't mean she will automatically want to get married at 19 or 20. Let her date who she wants to date (within reason...of course you do not want her in danger) and let her decide the type of man she wants to end up with.

I had three serious relationships before meeting my current boyfriend. Dating them has helped me become who I am and has taught me what I want and don't want in a guy. It's possible that I'd be at the same place I am now had I not dated my ex boyfriends...but it certainly didn't do any harm, either.

I think you're being a little too overbearing. Asking permission to marry is one thing...but to date? I wouldn't go that route. Maintain a good relationship with your daughter and the guys she decides to date and they'll likely spend more time around you, open up to you and you'll be more in the know. Being so protective right out of the gate will turn off most guys and they will just become scared or annoyed.

I don't have a daughter, but I have children and I understand your concern. I'm sure I'd be extra cautious too if I had an 18 year old daughter.

However...what everyone else has said here is pretty dead on.

That's bizarre and not a good thing to do. 18 year old girls go on dates. They find boyfriends that they keep for years. You have to trust your daughter to make her own decisions. She's approaching a point now where she can leave you and never talk to you again....don't make a stupid rule that will push her towards that.

I've never heard anything like this and you need to tell her you've changed your mind....and I'm not being mean or harsh on you...because in a way, I understand.

Fab4Runner;392505 wrote:Maybe I'm a little too "modern" but I fail to see the issue with any girl having several serious relationships before she decides to marry. Or even beginning a serious relationship when she is young and not fully ready to setle down. It doesn't mean she will automatically want to get married at 19 or 20. Let her date who she wants to date (within reason...of course you do not want her in danger) and let her decide the type of man she wants to end up with.

I had three serious relationships before meeting my current boyfriend. Dating them has helped me become who I am and has taught me what I want and don't want in a guy. It's possible that I'd be at the same place I am now had I not dated my ex boyfriends...but it certainly didn't do any harm, either.

I think you're being a little too overbearing. Asking permission to marry is one thing...but to date? I wouldn't go that route. Maintain a good relationship with your daughter and the guys she decides to date and they'll likely spend more time around you, open up to you and you'll be more in the know. Being so protective right out of the gate will turn off most guys and they will just become scared or annoyed.

In all seriousness....^^^^This.

Making mistakes is part of the learning process. Our mistakes and our past experiences make us who we are so let her go experience whatever or whoever she feels she is right for at the moment and she will learn. Again, within reason, but you can't protect her forever.

I subscribe to the "If I had to do it all over again I'd do the exact same thing" philosophy because my mistakes (especially in past relationships) have prepared me for everything and I feel like a better man because of it.

Let your daughter become a better person too.

Edit: Oh but be sure to tell her "You are 18. What and who you like/want now will not be what you like/want in 2, 5, or 10 years so keep that in mind and be careful." She won't care or understand, but she'll hear it. And 2, 5, and 10 years down the road when it clicks in her head that you were right, she'll thank you for it.

You are being too restrictive, unless you are muslim, and then you need to regain control.

Lol....is this serious?? No guy is going to want to date a girl if he has to have permission from her father. It's way too controlling. Now, if he want to marry her, he should definitely ask the father first.

IMO,it's a sign of respect to ask a father for "permission" to marry his daughter,because in all likelihood the couple are going to get married regardless of what you say...anyway,my advice would be to trust the way you raised your daughter,know that she will make mistakes,and hope that she will learn from them. Dating is a form of trial and error in finding your soulmate--it's how we know when we meet "Mr. or Mrs. Right".
To demand that each and every suitor ask permission to date your daughter is not only unreasonable,but can weaken the trust she needs to know you have in her. This is not to say you can't have "talks" with her regarding her dates,but be careful not to alienate her in the process--and remember to tell her you love her,even if the conversation gets heated...and at times it WILL get heated

I'm about as conservative as they come when it comes to this stuff, but this is over the top.

If she is 15 or 16 I can see this, but at 18? Come on.

I could also see wanting to meet the guy right before the first date as I was brought up that you ALWAYS go up to the door and meet the parents when picking up a girl for the first time (and I will teach my boys that as well).

I also believe in asking the father for permission to marry a girl.

However, asking permission just to date is rediculous.

FYI, I'm 31, been married for 10 years, have 3 boys, I did meet my father-in-law before the 1st date and asked for permission before I proposed to my wife.

There are some other "shocking" conservative things about my dating relationship with my wife before we were married.