SnotBubbles;439985 wrote:I have opened myself up to God. When I do pray (which is rare anymore), the only thing I pray for anymore is the Holy Spirit to fill me. I pray that my Shepherd gets me out of the ruts, and back on the path of righteousness. It's frustrating. I want it, I yearn for it...but I still get no answers. I don't see a "light" guiding me back. I don't feel anything. But I want it.....
So, it makes me question it even more. When I say, "here I am...take me! I want you." And I hear crickets....I actually become angry. But I keep trying it.
If there is a God, and it is His will for me to spend eternity with him...I will gladly and benevolently accept that gift. Until then...I can only pray for his guidance and presence in my day to day actions/life. I just hope I don't drop dead before I get a response....because if that happens and I don't get a response, I will be scared shitless as my mind fades away.....
I know I'm probably not posting this in the appropriate eloquent manner, Snot, but here goes. And sorry if I seem ridiculous, but there's a reason for it, as you'll see.
Are you working for it? What part of the communion with God are you holding up? Do you want something simply because you exist? What do you think that you have to do, if anything, to "feel" something? Are you looking for indicators? Why should God work on demand?
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Now, I ask those abrupt questions because I actually think the same thoughts sometimes.
But then I look around at my existense and think to myself that perhaps God IS holding up his bargain:
I woke up today.
I realize that I'm not privy to God's time.
I know that because I don't completely know everything in God's mind, I don't try. I just try to work with what little I do know.
The old cliche "count your many blessings" is rejuvenating.
Sometimes blessings aren't obvious.
Sometimes miracles aren't obvious.
I can't always control what others think say or do, but I can control what I think say or do - even when I think I can't.
I often wonder what I've done to even be deserving of God's notice and why I should just expect things to happen. After all, sometimes I just don't want to put forth the effort.
I believe that this is where our part of the "bargain" lies. It's not easy, it's not routine and it's not always instantly gratifying. In fact, it's extremely rare when taken at face value. The exchange isn't always tangible. It's hard to absorb what is going on when our everyday lives are so related to our senses.
It is also my belief that the love of God is a love that we don't quite understand. We love our parents, significant others, friends, pets, food, art, etc. That's because we can see, feel, smell, hear and taste the obvious. But, the feeling and the loving of God is abstract, for lack of a better word. We as humans are so used to instant gratification, that when we don't immediately see, touch, hear, taste, or smell results, we naturally think we're observing a natural vacuum. Love is abstract enough, but when we sense an absence, it's even harder to try and wrap our minds around it. We've somehow been conditioned to expect reliable and obvious "feelings" concerning relationships to God.
I wonder who started this notion that we should feel awashed with this rapturous love and that that was the only idicator that we're loved by God. I think it's a false notion, even when others will disagree with me.
For example: I love my Mother dearly. But I don't always have that awesome feeling of love coursing through my body and mind just because she's there. It's just there and taken for granted. So, of course it will not be so easy when considering something that isn't easy to see/experience like my mother.
So, to some extent, I don't expect an understanding, feeling, or any sort of event. If it happens, great - if it don't, well tomorrow is another day. I think finding our acceptance level is our job to be constantly looked for, modified and contemplated. Perhaps that is why patience is a virtue? I don't know.