Last night a very foolish school and a very foolish company showed just how desperate for attention they are. I’m not particularly interested in giving them that attention. Like I’ve always said, just because some idiot in a trenchcoat flashes you, that doesn’t mean you have to react. Just keep walking.
But here’s the thing: While you were all ooohing and ahhing about the costumes in question, I was receiving a package of information from the very foolish company. It arrived in my in-box precisely at 8pm — game time. And that tells you all you need to know about this desperate plea for attention. It isn’t a uniform, or even a costume; it’s just a business plan. (And a completely derivative business plan at that, since it’s pretty obvious that the very foolish school and the very foolish company sat down and said, “You know that
other school, and that
other company? Let’s copy every single move out of their playbook.”

So instead of talking about the costume design, I’m going to talk about the press release — the one that showed up in my in-box. Let’s take a look at it, one bullet point at a time:
[INDENT]This is more than just a uniform… It’s ARMOUR built with years of Maryland PRIDE and football heritage woven into its design and innovation to make the TERPS faster, lighter and ready for battle.
[/INDENT]Hmmm. Exactly how many “years of Maryland PRIDE and football heritage” are involved, and exactly how are they incorporated into the design? And how is this particular design any more “armour”-y than any other design made by this very foolish company? Does it make the team any “faster, lighter and ready for battle” than the other costumes that the very foolish school unveiled two weeks ago?
Next:
[INDENT]Inspired by characteristics specific to the Maryland state flag and the University of Maryland… the jersey numbers, cleats, and gloves all feature a custom Maryland flag print.
[/INDENT]“Custom” is one of those signifiers that sound cool but don’t really mean anything. What exactly is “custom” about the Maryland flag print? Like, as opposed to all those generic Maryland flag prints?
Next:
[INDENT]From head-to-toe, the right and left sides of the uniform coordinate with the two patterns found on the state’s flag including a custom helmet.
[/INDENT]Again with the “custom.” Actually,
every team’s football helmet is a “custom” design (well, except for all those high schools that rip off NCAA and NFL logos, but you know what I mean). Pointless.
Next:
[INDENT]The PRIDE uniform pays homage to the special Terrapin football heritage and to those who have taken the field as a TERP since the beginning of the football program.
[/INDENT]Interesting if demonstrated and articulated; meaningless when asserted. Meanwhile, why are you shouting at us with the all-caps?
Next:
[INDENT]The new UA COMPFIT PRIDE JERSEY… tight where it needs to be with no drag, no grab and more flexibility. This jersey was built for speed!
[/INDENT]As opposed to all those other jerseys that are built for sluggishness, right? Again, how does this jersey differ, if at all, from the one that the very foolish school unveiled two weeks ago?
Next:
[INDENT]UA GRABTACK PRIDE GLOVES are scientifically proven to have twice the grip!
[/INDENT]Twice the grip
of what? Of the very foolish company’s other gloves? Of some other company’s gloves? Of a pair of gardening gloves? And where is this scientific proof? Sounds like late-night TV hucksterism.
Next (and, mercifully, last):
[INDENT]The Terps’ custom PRIDE cleats all come down to one thing… Speed! Each version was built with UA’s Micro G® cushioning to give players more bounce so they are quick off the line for every play.
[/INDENT]Yet again with the “custom.” (Memo to the very foolish company’s marketing staff:
Try bookmarking this.) And what do they mean by “each version” of the cleats? Like, are there more “custom” designs still to come?
One other thing about this press release: It includes two player images, both of which show a player
wearing a tinted visor. Because God forbid they should actually let you see the player’s face and have you think he’s a living, breathing human. No, he’s just a cyborg, a robot who’s “ready for battle,” a faceless instrument of destruction. Until he, you know, cracks a rib or something (at which point he can just be replaced by another cyborg).
So now we have two companies in a race to the bottom. Lovely — I can practically feel my brain cells dying off while writing about this crap. And frankly, I almost didn’t bother. Prepackaged pleas for attention, whether they involve a guy in a trenchcoat or corporate shenanigans, aren’t just lame; they’re tedious, sad,
boring. From my perspective, something like the A’s bug-repellant patches,
which I wrote about last Thursday, is far, far more interesting — and much more in keeping with what Uni Watch is all about — than a corporate stunt like the one that unfolded last night. If they had both taken place on the same evening, I know for sure which one would have had lead billing today.