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J

June18

Senior Member

298 posts
Feb 3, 2011 2:47 PM
IMO it doesn't matter how much you plan, things will change when you get married. One of the best (and most true) things I ever heard was : Men go into marriage thinking the woman will never change and she does. Women go into marriage thinking the man will change and he doesn't.
I don't think it matters how long you date or how long you live together. When you get that title there are different expectations. Society treats you differently, your friends treat you differently, and your family treats you differently. Obviously some people deal with marriage well and others don't.
As for the OP, I wasn't scared when I got married but I think I was just stupid about it. I didn't really think anything would change. People told me it would and I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I was married for 5 years before getting divorced. I have no regrets about the experience. It taught me things that I hadn't realized. I had dated people for multiple years at a time but when you say "I do" it is a entirely new expereience.
Feb 3, 2011 2:47pm
Thunder70's avatar

Thunder70

Senior Member

748 posts
Feb 3, 2011 2:54 PM
To be completely honest, it didnt scare me at all. I have always wanted to be married and consider myself lucky that I found the woman I did. I am much happier now that I am married than when I was single.
Feb 3, 2011 2:54pm
ernest_t_bass's avatar

ernest_t_bass

12th Son of the Lama

24,984 posts
Feb 3, 2011 3:09 PM
To me, anyone who says they love marriage has found someone who either likes the same things they do, or is OK with what each other does.

I like to go, go, go. My wife is a homebody. That makes it rough, rough, rough.
Feb 3, 2011 3:09pm
J

jmog

Senior Member

6,567 posts
Feb 3, 2011 3:12 PM
Sorry EtB, that sucks, but in my marriage there never has, and never will be "my" and "your" money, all money has always been "our" money.

I have been the one that pushed this idea, even when my wife was a stay at home mom and I was the sole bread winner, I corrected her every time she called it "your money" (meaning mine since I worked).

I don't beleive in separting the money issues in a marriage in anyway.
Feb 3, 2011 3:12pm
J

jmog

Senior Member

6,567 posts
Feb 3, 2011 3:16 PM
ernest_t_bass;663523 wrote:To me, anyone who says they love marriage has found someone who either likes the same things they do, or is OK with what each other does.

I like to go, go, go. My wife is a homebody. That makes it rough, rough, rough.

My wife and I are the "ok with what each other does" type, we don't enjoy all the same things, that is for sure. However, we allow each other time to go out and do those things either with our friends or alone and don't complain about the time away.
Feb 3, 2011 3:16pm
FatHobbit's avatar

FatHobbit

Senior Member

8,651 posts
Feb 3, 2011 3:31 PM
ernest_t_bass;663523 wrote:I like to go, go, go. My wife is a homebody.
I'm not exactly a partier, but my wife definitely was before we were married. Sometimes I would only go out because she wanted to. Now that we're married she never wants to go out and doesn't even want to get ready to have dinner with friends. It was like somebody flipped a switch. Lol!
Feb 3, 2011 3:31pm
ytownfootball's avatar

ytownfootball

Bold faced liar...

6,978 posts
Feb 3, 2011 3:45 PM
I guess it's important to realize that you're not ready. Maybe you never will be, but it's equally important to realize at some point the majority of people come to the conclusion at some point they are. As long as you treat relationships knowing that there's no issue, but if you don't your reluctance to commitment could eliminate what you ultimately decide is what you want.
Feb 3, 2011 3:45pm
T

thavoice

Senior Member

14,376 posts
Feb 3, 2011 3:55 PM
ernest_t_bass;663464 wrote:When I met my wife, I coached HS football, 7th Grade basketball, refereed about 40-50 games in the winter, coached JV Softball, reffed about 4 tournaments in the summer, and golfed three days per week.

Now I... ref about 25 games per winter, add in tournament games. I am head softball coach, but this is my last year. I no longer golf b/c of my daughters. I ref one tournament in the summer. I volunteer for football.

Any side income I make (refereeing) she stands firm to the fact that it is OUR money. She got a $600 bonus this year for Christmas, and she stood firm to the fact that it was HER money. I still don't get it. Apparently, since my extra money is not a "gift" to me, and it is time away from the family, it is "ours." But, since hers was a gift to her, then I can't touch it. I love marriage.

The ole saying....'what's mine is ours, and whats hers is...well....hers' is so, so true.
Feb 3, 2011 3:55pm
S

Sonofanump

Feb 3, 2011 4:49 PM
ernest_t_bass;663464 wrote:I no longer golf b/c of my daughters.

Now, this is different. Giving activities b/c a wife wants you too is one thing, giving up activities for family is another.
Feb 3, 2011 4:49pm
S

Sonofanump

Feb 3, 2011 4:51 PM
power i;663303 wrote:You know when you've found the right person when you stop looking at those things as 'giving them up' and look at it as sharing your life with someone.

You need to put this as your signature.
Feb 3, 2011 4:51pm
sleeper's avatar

sleeper

Legend

27,879 posts
Feb 3, 2011 4:52 PM
I'm scared to death of marriage. Perhaps if they changed the divorce laws, I'd be more willing, but I'm all about the pre-nup. I just think its awkward to ask your future wife for one.

Thoughts?
Feb 3, 2011 4:52pm
tk421's avatar

tk421

Senior Member

8,500 posts
Feb 3, 2011 6:06 PM
fan_from_texas;663328 wrote:Most people seem to know someone who has ridiculously high standards and is afraid to commit. That may be cool when they're 28 and playing the field, but when they're 45 and still single, with no kids, and all their friends are married and have families . . . it starts not looking so cool anymore.

Being single and childless doesn't make someone a loser. Not everyone has the goal in life to get married and become a child factory.
Feb 3, 2011 6:06pm
sleeper's avatar

sleeper

Legend

27,879 posts
Feb 3, 2011 6:20 PM
tk421;663722 wrote:Being single and childless doesn't make someone a loser. Not everyone has the goal in life to get married and become a child factory.

+1

I'd rather grow my wealth indefinitely than get married and live an average life. If I can find someway to do both, and the pre-nup is signed, then I'll consider it.
Feb 3, 2011 6:20pm
Tobias Fünke's avatar

Tobias Fünke

formerly "sjmvsfscs08"

2,387 posts
Feb 3, 2011 7:02 PM
fan_from_texas;663328 wrote:Most people seem to know someone who has ridiculously high standards and is afraid to commit. That may be cool when they're 28 and playing the field, but when they're 45 and still single, with no kids, and all their friends are married and have families . . . it starts not looking so cool anymore.

I had an uncle get married at 50; it horrifies me. My dad was 39, and I wasn't born until he was 46. That's not the route I'd take. I'd be much, much more afraid of waking up being 45 and single and alone than married and have kids at 28.
Feb 3, 2011 7:02pm
Tobias Fünke's avatar

Tobias Fünke

formerly "sjmvsfscs08"

2,387 posts
Feb 3, 2011 7:05 PM
sleeper;663649 wrote:I'm scared to death of marriage. Perhaps if they changed the divorce laws, I'd be more willing, but I'm all about the pre-nup. I just think its awkward to ask your future wife for one.

Thoughts?

Pre-nups will be mandatory for a marriage with me. Too much inheritance to let some girl run away with. My sister had one with her husband, and now after two years he decides he doesn't like being a father, and would rather work his 9-5, coach basketball, and get hammered with his coworkers.....she's awfully glad she had one. In today's society where >50% of marriages fail, you need to get one if you have money, no question about it.
Feb 3, 2011 7:05pm
Little Danny's avatar

Little Danny

Senior Member

4,288 posts
Feb 3, 2011 7:10 PM
I am going to offer an old joke.

One day a little boy comes home from school. When his father asked him what he learned in school that day he replied, "Well dad, I learned that in some parts of India the men do not know their wives until after they are married.". The father sighed, peaked over at his wife sitting on the couch in her bathrobe and said, "That doesn't just happen in India".
Feb 3, 2011 7:10pm
T

Timber

Senior Member

935 posts
Feb 3, 2011 8:17 PM
When you meet the right person, that thought/fear will diminsh. Maybe your perception was that your father no longer had fun, but maybe he wanted to spend time with the family rather than play golf, cards, etc with friends.

I would much rather use what little free time I have with my wife and daughter, doing yard work, than spending it with "the boys" all the time. I choose to go home and be with my family, rather than play golf after work (since I work at a golf course... lol)
Feb 3, 2011 8:17pm
F

Fidmeister

Senior Member

249 posts
Feb 3, 2011 8:25 PM
I played golf six times a week before I got married. Dropped to five when we were married so we could spend a day together on the weekend. We have a 5 year old son. I play less now. These were all choices I made because time with my wife and son is important to me.

I never thought about what I would be giving up. I thought about how much better my life would be with my wife and now our son in it.
Feb 3, 2011 8:25pm
ernest_t_bass's avatar

ernest_t_bass

12th Son of the Lama

24,984 posts
Feb 3, 2011 10:39 PM
Tobias Fünke;663787 wrote:would rather work his 9-5, coach basketball, and get hammered with his coworkers

She's a bitch for not letting him do those things, obvi.
Feb 3, 2011 10:39pm
ernest_t_bass's avatar

ernest_t_bass

12th Son of the Lama

24,984 posts
Feb 3, 2011 10:40 PM
Fidmeister;663953 wrote:We had a 5 year old son..

That's odd.
Feb 3, 2011 10:40pm
Cat Food Flambe''s avatar

Cat Food Flambe'

Senior Member

1,230 posts
Feb 3, 2011 10:43 PM
Wasn't frightened all - after four years, you know the other persons strengths and weaknesses. She may marry you anyway. :)

I do have an an issue with people who marry out of fear of being alone. I've watched too many people - especially young women - that think marriage is a life preserver and grab the first one that floats by.
Feb 3, 2011 10:43pm
dwccrew's avatar

dwccrew

Not Banned

7,817 posts
Feb 4, 2011 1:59 AM
sleeper;663649 wrote:I'm scared to death of marriage. Perhaps if they changed the divorce laws, I'd be more willing, but I'm all about the pre-nup. I just think its awkward to ask your future wife for one.

Thoughts?

Pre-nups can benefit both parties in the marriage if the marriage were to fail. The challenge is convincing someone of that fact.
Tobias Fünke;663787 wrote:Pre-nups will be mandatory for a marriage with me. Too much inheritance to let some girl run away with. My sister had one with her husband, and now after two years he decides he doesn't like being a father, and would rather work his 9-5, coach basketball, and get hammered with his coworkers.....she's awfully glad she had one. In today's society where >50% of marriages fail, you need to get one if you have money, no question about it.

I'm pretty sure inheritance can't be touched by a spouse unless any money from the inheritance has been used for the benefit of the marriage. An example would be if you inherited $1 million from your parents and you decided to buy a house with your wife with some of the inheritance money. Let's say it was a $300,000 house. She has the right to make a claim on that asset, even though it was money used from your inheritance because it was used to improve your married lives. The remainder of your inheritance ($700,000) she has no rights to claim that.
Feb 4, 2011 1:59am
Belly35's avatar

Belly35

Elderly Intellectual

9,716 posts
Feb 4, 2011 7:53 AM
Marriage has nothing to do with “giving up” freedom, activities or even life style. You “give up” nothing …….you now share, experience, adapted, create a new out of needs, wants and responsibilities. You add to your life commitment, dedication, responsibilities, faith and love with passion. Willingly you will do things you thought would never be and others you’ll hate the idea and may not like the result. The hurt, pain and frustrations will be too great, the lost fortune and wear on your mind, body and sole will take its total.
In the end your Legacy will speak for itself. Husband, Father, Dad, Papa you did “give up anything” you earned those accolades
Other will take your place on that golf league, softball team and trip to Daytona but those who are the most important in your life will never replace you ….nor forget you ever

Your dad has set the bar high for you to reach, those are the standards to live by in marriage where will you set the bar ….?
Feb 4, 2011 7:53am
ernest_t_bass's avatar

ernest_t_bass

12th Son of the Lama

24,984 posts
Feb 4, 2011 9:45 AM
Belly35;664459 wrote:Marriage has nothing to do with “giving up” freedom, activities or even life style. You “give up” nothing …….you now share, experience, adapted, create a new out of needs, wants and responsibilities. You add to your life commitment, dedication, responsibilities, faith and love with passion. Willingly you will do things you thought would never be and others you’ll hate the idea and may not like the result. The hurt, pain and frustrations will be too great, the lost fortune and wear on your mind, body and sole will take its total.
In the end your Legacy will speak for itself. Husband, Father, Dad, Papa you did “give up anything” you earned those accolades
Other will take your place on that golf league, softball team and trip to Daytona but those who are the most important in your life will never replace you ….nor forget you ever

Your dad has set the bar high for you to reach, those are the standards to live by in marriage where will you set the bar ….?

Belly, I am now cross-eyed from picking my way through that... However, what I did pick up... a good post!
Feb 4, 2011 9:45am
F

fan_from_texas

Senior Member

2,693 posts
Feb 4, 2011 10:40 AM
tk421;663722 wrote:Being single and childless doesn't make someone a loser. Not everyone has the goal in life to get married and become a child factory.

I didn't say it makes someone a loser. I am saying that there is a level of happiness that comes from a spouse/kids that is tough to meet through other relationships or life experiences.
sleeper;663649 wrote:I'm scared to death of marriage. Perhaps if they changed the divorce laws, I'd be more willing, but I'm all about the pre-nup. I just think its awkward to ask your future wife for one.

Thoughts?
I think the pre-nup is a bad idea. Marriages work because of commitment, not chemistry. It isn't an issue of finding the right person; it's an issue of becoming the right people by working through the problems that inevitably come up.

Mrs. FFT is a therapist and does a lot of pre-marital work with couples. Happy couples aren't the ones that have the most in common; they're the ones who develop good communication and conflict resolution skills to work through the problems that everyone faces. If you get married at 25, you won't be the same person at 35 or 55, nor will your spouse. So if you're marrying a specific set of interests/hobbies/physical features, you will both be disappointed. The idea is that you grow together and become one, changing together. Your life is different and some of your interests/hobbies are different, but in a good way.

Re a pre-nup: because marriage is based on a commitment to work through whatever problems come up, I think it's counterproductive to create a fall-back plan "just in case." How can someone be committed forever if they're still holding back part of themselves in case things fall apart?

Your mileage may vary, but that's my 2c.
Feb 4, 2011 10:40am