bwcomet89;647809 wrote:Women are like parking spaces. Normally all the good ones are taken. So occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

Ba-zing.

mattinctown, is that you?

justincredible;647990 wrote:mattinctown, is that you?

Best joke yet

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?

snowballs

Speedofsand;648292 wrote:What's the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?

snowballs

how does a man know when his wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

Bubba's friend ran into the store and said "Bubba, some guy just stole yo pick up truck!". Bubba says "did you see who he was?". And the friend said "no, but I got his license plate number!"

(So dumb that it's hilarious, to me)

Zoltan;646614 wrote:A man wins the mega millions and immediately goes nuts. He hurries home as fast as he can and screeches his car into the driveway. He runs up to the front door, opens it, and yells, “Honey, pack your bags I just won the lottery.”

His wife comes flying around the corner screaming ecstatically and responds, “Oh my god, what should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The husband replies, “I don’t care, just get the fuck out.”

That's funny.

wes_mantooth;647804 wrote:[video=youtube;3o5m_mXadoU][/video]

By far the funniest fucking thing on this thread! Literally laughed out loud.

wes_mantooth had an idea once..............

A fisherman was stopped by a game warden in Florida recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', he replied. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The man looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The guy poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?'
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?'....

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice-picnic tables, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said,"I'm here to feed the alligator."

just stop speedofsand, your jokes are turrible

-How come you never see a Mexican in the Olympics?


A: Cause all the ones who can run, jump or swim are already in America.

----Ba-Dum Ching!

...A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Bill Simmons had Funkhouser on his podcast and he said Seinfeld had no idea that joke was coming. The script just said Marty tells joke.