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What would you think and do? Should I be pissed.

Home ▸ Archive ▸ Serious Business ▸ What would you think and do? Should I be pissed.
I

I Am Ahab

Senior Member

478 posts
Aug 3, 2011 2:46 PM
LJ;850541 wrote:You are a very insecure person. Last time I looked at anything on my wife's phone was looking up a phone number about a year ago.
Paging Dr. Obvious. I'm definitely insecure when I comes to relationships and ive put a lot of effort into trusting someone to the extent that I trust my gf now. Still working and one day I think I won't be so insecure that I have to do things like check my gf's phone. But for now that's just the way it is for me.

You are far and away a bigger man than me and your high horse proves that.
Aug 3, 2011 2:46pm
I

I Am Ahab

Senior Member

478 posts
Aug 3, 2011 2:48 PM
enigmaax;850540 wrote:I'm just saying that her happiness is based on a perception of you that doesn't include possessive stalking and invasion of her privacy (you said you check "everything" and "anything I can"; it isn't as though you just randomly checked her phone once or something). If you really don't think those characteristics/actions affect your ability to maintain a relationship or that knowing those things about you would change her outlook on how well the relationship is going, come clean to her. In the meantime, my assessment isn't wrong simply because you are able to lie and hide your true self.
I'm just saying that her perception of me isn't totally inaccurate because of this one character flaw.
Aug 3, 2011 2:48pm
ernest_t_bass's avatar

ernest_t_bass

12th Son of the Lama

24,984 posts
Aug 3, 2011 4:15 PM
I Am Ahab;850847 wrote:Paging Dr. Obvious. I'm definitely insecure when I comes to relationships and ive put a lot of effort into trusting someone to the extent that I trust my gf now. Still working and one day I think I won't be so insecure that I have to do things like check my gf's phone. But for now that's just the way it is for me.

You are far and away a bigger man than me and your high horse proves that.

Why are you so insecure? Fat dude? Ugly dude? Out kick your coverage? Or are you an above average guy who is extremely vain and narcissistic to the point he's insecure?
Aug 3, 2011 4:15pm
I

I Am Ahab

Senior Member

478 posts
Aug 3, 2011 4:40 PM
The root of my insecurity is a long story but I was hurt in a past relationship. The girl made a big decision that was ultimately going to end our relationship but didn't have the heart to tell me and then just out of nowhere moved across the country. It was really devastating bc she was my first love and my best friend. I understand now that it was something she had to do but it ruined my ability to trust anyone.

Bc of that I've never been faithful in a relationship (until now). Like I said I've come a long way for my current gf but I'm definitely not perfect.
Aug 3, 2011 4:40pm
ernest_t_bass's avatar

ernest_t_bass

12th Son of the Lama

24,984 posts
Aug 3, 2011 4:41 PM
So you're fat AND ugly?
Aug 3, 2011 4:41pm
E

enigmaax

Senior Member

4,511 posts
Aug 3, 2011 4:44 PM
I Am Ahab;850847 wrote:Paging Dr. Obvious. I'm definitely insecure when I comes to relationships and ive put a lot of effort into trusting someone to the extent that I trust my gf now. Still working and one day I think I won't be so insecure that I have to do things like check my gf's phone. But for now that's just the way it is for me.

Which is basically not at all?
Aug 3, 2011 4:44pm
E

enigmaax

Senior Member

4,511 posts
Aug 3, 2011 4:48 PM
I Am Ahab;850942 wrote:The root of my insecurity is a long story but I was hurt in a past relationship. The girl made a big decision that was ultimately going to end our relationship but didn't have the heart to tell me and then just out of nowhere moved across the country. It was really devastating bc she was my first love and my best friend. I understand now that it was something she had to do but it ruined my ability to trust anyone.

Bc of that I've never been faithful in a relationship (until now). Like I said I've come a long way for my current gf but I'm definitely not perfect.

Do you mind saying how old you are?
Aug 3, 2011 4:48pm
I

I Am Ahab

Senior Member

478 posts
Aug 3, 2011 5:01 PM
28 yrs old.
Aug 3, 2011 5:01pm
M

mella

Senior Member

647 posts
Aug 3, 2011 5:01 PM
I Am Ahab;850942 wrote: I understand now that it was something she had to do but it ruined my ability to trust anyone.

Bc of that I've never been faithful in a relationship (until now). Like I said I've come a long way for my current gf but I'm definitely not perfect.

I obviously don't know you or your situation but its time to get over it. It sounds like one of those really intense relationships that 14 or 15 years olds have. I am sure you are older than that, but you sound like you are still in high school.
Aug 3, 2011 5:01pm
I

I Am Ahab

Senior Member

478 posts
Aug 3, 2011 5:04 PM
Like I said before, which you seem to not be able to understand, relationships are complicated and trust is not black and white but rather is complex in it's own right. This one act doesn't mean that there's no trust in the relationship on my part.
Aug 3, 2011 5:04pm
M

mella

Senior Member

647 posts
Aug 3, 2011 5:06 PM
I see that you are 28. We all have had that one crushing break up but you really can't be saying that is why you aren't faithful in a relationship, (until now). You sound emotionally stunted.
Aug 3, 2011 5:06pm
Q

queencitybuckeye

Senior Member

7,117 posts
Aug 3, 2011 5:07 PM
I Am Ahab;850967 wrote:trust is not black and white but rather is complex in it's own right.

No, it's binary. You trust or you do not trust. The latter nearly guarantees a failed relationship.
Aug 3, 2011 5:07pm
I

I Am Ahab

Senior Member

478 posts
Aug 3, 2011 5:07 PM
Also, as I've said before, the things I've learned while snooping have reinforced my ability to trust my gf. I think it's possible you have problems with reading comprehension, Enigmaax.
Aug 3, 2011 5:07pm
I

I Am Ahab

Senior Member

478 posts
Aug 3, 2011 5:19 PM
K. And I'm saying that I do trust my gf. But somehow a few ppl here seem to be able to know somehow that I don't based on one thing they know about me.

Trust is not black and white or do or don't. Sorry. But anyway, I'm done with this discussion since its just gonna go in circles.
Aug 3, 2011 5:19pm
E

enigmaax

Senior Member

4,511 posts
Aug 3, 2011 5:32 PM
I Am Ahab;850974 wrote:Also, as I've said before, the things I've learned while snooping have reinforced my ability to trust my gf. I think it's possible you have problems with reading comprehension, Enigmaax.

No, not really. If you've really reinforced your ability to trust her, at some point you'd be able to make the decision to respect her right to privacy.

You asked the question earlier, "does that make me a horrible person?" You know your actions are wrong. What you don't seem willing to admit is the depth of the impact your actions would have on the relationship. I'm not comfortable saying that you're a bad person, but I am 100% confident in saying that if she knew the extent that you've gone/will go to invade her privacy that the relationship dynamic would be completely different.

It isn't about a simple flaw. It isn't that you are insecure. It is that your actions are disrespectful, intrusive, dishonest, accusatory, possessive, and untrustworthy. People typically do not react well when treated in those ways, regardless of how many things you may otherwise have going for you.

Hey, more power to you, I guess, if you're happy maintaining a relationship under false premises of how you live. Maybe you'll be able to cover your tracks forever. But it would come as no surprise that the whole thing falls apart quickly the minute she realizes how you manifest your insecurity (again, not the insecurity itself). How are you going to respond the minute you do think she's doing something wrong? How will you react when you slip up and she figures out you've been going through her stuff?
Aug 3, 2011 5:32pm
ernest_t_bass's avatar

ernest_t_bass

12th Son of the Lama

24,984 posts
Aug 3, 2011 5:56 PM
enigmaax;850986 wrote:How are you going to respond the minute you do think she's doing something wrong? How will you react when you slip up and she figures out you've been going through her stuff?

This
Aug 3, 2011 5:56pm
LJ's avatar

LJ

Senior Member

16,351 posts
Aug 3, 2011 6:18 PM
I Am Ahab;850974 wrote:Also, as I've said before, the things I've learned while snooping have reinforced my ability to trust my gf. I think it's possible you have problems with reading comprehension, Enigmaax.

If they reinforced your ability to trust her, you would have stopped snooping through her phone. You are merely saying that to justify your actions. People who trust their gf's don't continually snoop their phone.
Aug 3, 2011 6:18pm
I

I Am Ahab

Senior Member

478 posts
Aug 3, 2011 11:50 PM
Who am I trying to justify my actions to? Myself? Ive admitted that this is a flaw and not something I like about myself. I'm being totally straight forward about this with you all and with myself. I've been very introspective in this relationship. I know my shortcomings and I don't try to deny them.

I think a few of you are on the attack, trying to play psychologist, and not doing a very good job. None of you know me, my relationship,etc. But you are trying to generalize things from one piece of information. Nowhere have I tried to justify my actions. I'm merely telling you what i do, what I gained from it, why I do it. I don't check it out very often anymore bc there's never anything there incriminating so really it's kind of boring and more of a hassle than it's worth. I'm worki g on my issues and have come a long way from I was at the beginning. Some of that has to do with the fact that a lot of the way my gf portrayed herself has been confirmed in msg's etc that ive looked at. It's not a justification just a fact.
Aug 3, 2011 11:50pm
I

I Am Ahab

Senior Member

478 posts
Aug 3, 2011 11:55 PM
Who am I trying to justify my actions to? Myself? Ive admitted that this is a flaw and not something I like about myself. I'm being totally straight forward about this with you all and with myself. I've been very introspective in this relationship. I know my shortcomings and I don't try to deny them.

I think a few of you are on the attack, trying to play psychologist, and not doing a very good job. None of you know me, my relationship,etc. But you are trying to generalize things from one piece of information. Nowhere have I tried to justify my actions. I'm merely telling you what i do, what I gained from it, why I do it. I don't check it out very often anymore bc there's never anything there incriminating so really it's kind of boring and more of a hassle than it's worth. I'm worki g on my issues and have come a long way from I was at the beginning. Some of that has to do with the fact that a lot of the way my gf portrayed herself has been confirmed in msg's etc that ive looked at. It's not a justification just a fact.
Aug 3, 2011 11:55pm
NNN's avatar

NNN

Senior Member

902 posts
Aug 4, 2011 12:58 AM
How would Johnny Unitas recommend handling all of this?

Aug 4, 2011 12:58am
NNN's avatar

NNN

Senior Member

902 posts
Aug 4, 2011 1:13 AM
Some of the biggest and most extended arguments I've had with my wife involve a female friend of mine. These two have actually never met; the friend wants to meet my wife, the wife has no interest in doing so. After several months of constant low-grade jabbing, the wife made some comment about the friend, and I basically told the wife that if she did it again, I was throwing her out. Continuously harping on the fact that I dare to have a female friend was doing nothing but revealing an incredible lack of trust in me, and I refuse to stay in a marriage where this was an issue being brought up every time I got a text (regardless of who it was from).

What added to it was the fact that, at work, she was constantly surrounded by catty women who fed into her paranoia. I think all of them were either divorced or just bitches, so it was a nice toxic situation. I'm trying to ignore all the stupidity, and I'd get a call from the wife that basically said, "So-and-so said that her husband had a female friend, and he ended up cheating on so-and-so with her!" I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that these women were all mistrustful and bitchy, which will push away, oh, pretty much anyone...
Aug 4, 2011 1:13am
E

enigmaax

Senior Member

4,511 posts
Aug 4, 2011 6:39 AM
I Am Ahab;851303 wrote:I'm being totally straight forward about this with you all and with myself. I've been very introspective in this relationship. I know my shortcomings and I don't try to deny them.
But you do deny them...to your girlfriend. You are straight forward about it with random chumps on a message board, but not the one person whose feelings really matter. You don't see why we form the opinion we have based on this?
I think a few of you are on the attack, trying to play psychologist, and not doing a very good job. None of you know me, my relationship,etc. But you are trying to generalize things from one piece of information. Nowhere have I tried to justify my actions. I'm merely telling you what i do, what I gained from it, why I do it. I don't check it out very often anymore bc there's never anything there incriminating so really it's kind of boring and more of a hassle than it's worth. I'm worki g on my issues and have come a long way from I was at the beginning. Some of that has to do with the fact that a lot of the way my gf portrayed herself has been confirmed in msg's etc that ive looked at. It's not a justification just a fact.
You gave a certain amount of information and asked for opinions. Now you call everyone out for "playing psychologist"....because you don't like the opinions? And you backtrack by saying, "I don't do it very often anymore..."

Although the comments here were directed toward you (because you provided the scenario about yourself), I don't think any of it is attacking you. Your situation isn't uncommon and you sure as hell aren't unique. You can keep arguing with us here, trying to convince us that we don't know shit about you and whatever, but it isn't going to fix the relationship problems that you either already have (and are pretending, at least here, don't exist) or that are inevitable if you continue in your present mindset. Great for you if you're "working on it" or "getting better", I really hope it works out for you because the way you expressed yourself and described your actions in your first post (when you asked for our thoughts) is pretty much the recipe for eternal relationship failure.
Aug 4, 2011 6:39am
LJ's avatar

LJ

Senior Member

16,351 posts
Aug 4, 2011 6:58 AM
I Am Ahab;851303 wrote:Who am I trying to justify my actions to? Myself? Ive admitted that this is a flaw and not something I like about myself. I'm being totally straight forward about this with you all and with myself. I've been very introspective in this relationship. I know my shortcomings and I don't try to deny them.
You are not totally straight forward. How many times have you told your gf that you have insecurities about trust and feel the need to snoop her life in order to feel better about your relationship. You deny them to your gf.
Nowhere have I tried to justify my actions.
But yes you have
I Am Ahab;850974 wrote:Also, as I've said before, the things I've learned while snooping have reinforced my ability to trust my gf.
I'm merely telling you what i do, what I gained from it, why I do it. I don't check it out very often anymore bc there's never anything there incriminating so really it's kind of boring and more of a hassle than it's worth. I'm worki g on my issues and have come a long way from I was at the beginning. Some of that has to do with the fact that a lot of the way my gf portrayed herself has been confirmed in msg's etc that ive looked at. It's not a justification just a fact.
If you really wanted to work on your issues you would have been open with your gf about them from the beginning and be open with her about feeling the need to check in on her. Instead you are satisfying your own insecurities by snooping behind her back then justifying it by saying "but it has helped me trust her!".
Aug 4, 2011 6:58am
power i's avatar

power i

Senior Member

1,296 posts
Aug 4, 2011 8:24 AM
Part of growing up is realizing that because one person hurt you doesn't mean the next one will. I tend to trust people until they prove me wrong. Chances are if you go into a relationship looking for trouble, you're going to find it. I'd been dating a guy for almost a year when I found him snooping through my phone bill (we did not live together and he had to open drawers to find it). It totally changed my view of him and the relationship ended soon after.

I'd stop snooping unless you want to be caught.
Aug 4, 2011 8:24am
ernest_t_bass's avatar

ernest_t_bass

12th Son of the Lama

24,984 posts
Aug 4, 2011 9:30 AM
Probably my favorite quote ever, and of all people, from Ricky Williams:
"I learned at a very young age that you can’t blame things on other people because it takes the power out of your hands."

Ricky Williams
Basically, when you put so much blame (for all of YOUR problems) on your ex, the EX is the only person who can settle those blames. Take control of your own actions/thoughts/feelings, and move on.
Aug 4, 2011 9:30am