Funny/Nasty sex stories.. inspired by the 40 yr old Virgin

Serious Business 66 replies 5,117 views
ts1227's avatar
ts1227
Posts: 12,319
Jul 2, 2010 8:24pm
bwcomet89;409401 wrote:Friend of mine's gf was riding him, towards the end he pushed her off(to avoid pregnancy he says) and then when he "finished" some shot up and into his own mouth. He said he gagged and nearly threw up. It apparently tastes like chalk, and is very hard to get out of your mouth.

Apparently a condom would have been too easy?
Mooney44Cards's avatar
Mooney44Cards
Posts: 2,754
Jul 2, 2010 10:35pm
I have a toenail on the end of my penis.
darbypitcher22's avatar
darbypitcher22
Posts: 8,000
Jul 2, 2010 10:44pm
ts1227;409402 wrote:Apparently a condom would have been too easy?

This.
Mooney44Cards's avatar
Mooney44Cards
Posts: 2,754
Jul 2, 2010 11:05pm
bwcomet89;409401 wrote:Friend of mine's gf was riding him, towards the end he pushed her off(to avoid pregnancy he says) and then when he "finished" some shot up and into his own mouth. He said he gagged and nearly threw up. It apparently tastes like chalk, and is very hard to get out of your mouth.

This sounds like a cover story for your friend to tell you why he knows what cum tastes like.
Bio-Hazzzzard's avatar
Bio-Hazzzzard
Posts: 1,027
Jul 2, 2010 11:13pm
Mooney44Cards;409530 wrote:This sounds like a cover story for you to tell us why you know what cum tastes like.
fixed
Mooney44Cards's avatar
Mooney44Cards
Posts: 2,754
Jul 2, 2010 11:21pm
^^^Well done my friend. Well done.
B
bwcomet89
Posts: 633
Jul 3, 2010 12:07am
ts1227;409402 wrote:Apparently a condom would have been too easy?

He did actually answer this. He said he likes to shoot his cum as far as he can when he finishes, and his mouth just happened to be open and he happened to be extra accurate at the same time. He should rethink a new post-sex hobby, just sayin.
B
bwcomet89
Posts: 633
Jul 3, 2010 12:11am
Bio-Hazzzzard;409535 wrote:fixed

If only I had a cool story like that. Instead I have to sell out my friends. Speaking of, friend of mine was bit by his dog in the nuts during, you guessed it, doggy-style sex. Looks like they hate it when we do it that way.
LJ's avatar
LJ
Posts: 16,351
Jul 3, 2010 1:01am
Trueblue23's avatar
Trueblue23
Posts: 7,463
Jul 4, 2010 11:47pm
Sounds like CCRunner got his "Red Wings" LMAO
ts1227's avatar
ts1227
Posts: 12,319
Jul 5, 2010 12:01am
[video=youtube;ag9HvdWpqlk][/video]
E
El Jefe Grande
Posts: 425
Jul 5, 2010 11:45am
Google "Church of Fudge".
S
sportchampps
Posts: 7,361
Jul 5, 2010 2:03pm
I went ATM on a girl in college
The Equalizer's avatar
The Equalizer
Posts: 1,003
Jul 5, 2010 2:51pm
^^So how big was the strap on she used? ;)
Mohican00's avatar
Mohican00
Posts: 3,394
Jul 5, 2010 7:32pm
El Jefe Grande;411263 wrote:Google "Church of Fudge".

I was more impressed with how that guy rattled off Latin like it was a second language.
justincredible's avatar
justincredible
Posts: 32,056
Jul 5, 2010 7:33pm
El Jefe Grande;411263 wrote:Google "Church of Fudge".

You are just the worst.
E
El Jefe Grande
Posts: 425
Jul 5, 2010 7:48pm
Ban that guy Justin.
rookie_j70's avatar
rookie_j70
Posts: 677
Jul 6, 2010 2:25pm
not really a story, but a question. why do drug stores feel the need to hide the condoms so you have to ask someone where they're at? and then why when you do buy condoms, its never a guy running the register. its always some hottie with a phenomonal body?
karen lotz's avatar
karen lotz
Posts: 22,284
Jul 6, 2010 5:13pm
ccrunner609;412678 wrote:And she knows you arent buying the magnum size..


that sucks for you...
justincredible's avatar
justincredible
Posts: 32,056
Jul 6, 2010 7:57pm
karen lotz;412913 wrote:that sucks for you...

BURN!
S
sjmvsfscs08
Posts: 2,963
Jul 6, 2010 8:10pm
I guess I'll swing at this one. It'll ruin my political career though ;)

So my senior year of HS (we were both 18 it's all good haha) the lady friend and I were smashing in her livingroom (why not?) and all the sudden her dad comes home from work early and comes through the front door. I, being rather agile, was able to literally bolt down the hallway into the bathroom before he could even open the door. So I'm chilling in the bathroom with my pants in my hand and condom still on just thinking "...so is this the appropriate time to jump out the window and flee?" But just then I hear the dog being let out to go to the bathroom and someone in the kitchen drop the mail and some keys. So I'm sorta thinking maybe it was her mom and had some grocery bags or something and took awhile to actually open the door and didn't notice. I figured if it were her dad (who coached HS football and was rather authoritarian) I'd already be dead. So I just sorta play it cool and flush the condom down the toilet and open the door. So the ladyfriend is standing there (by now I've put my pants on, for those of you keeping track), and just says that her dad is in the livingroom waiting to talk to us. So we slowly walk in there and her dad is just standing there watching television, I simply stand by the doorway thinking of the quickest exit out of the house because I'm rather convinced he's about to come after me for nailing his only daughter.

Instead he just puts the remote down and looks and us and goes "Yeah. I was 18 too once. Hell mom was 18 too and even your mom, sjmvsfscs08, was 18 too once. And when I was your age, I did all kinds of stuff. Now, I was never dumb enough to get caught and why you were having sex in my livingroom is beyond me. But it's okay. Just...keep it to the bedroom please. And sjmv I won't tell your mom (a strict Catholic) and I won't tell the wife. Go on and have your fun, this is one phase before college and before you two tie the knock so it's all good with me."

By this point I'm trying not to laugh. So the ladyfriend and her dad go change their clothes and I sit down to tie my shoes before the ladyfriend and I left, and then her dad walks out in biker shorts, huge bulge and all, and stands next to me (the whole penis-at-same-level-as-eyes), pats me on the back and says, "you know sjmv, that is my daughter. Don't think I don't know that." I sorta went "ha yeahhh" and then we left.
S
sjmvsfscs08
Posts: 2,963
Jul 6, 2010 8:17pm
So this gem is a buddy of mine's:

He drinking at some bar in Michigan with some buddies, when he gets a text from a girl he knows that she's in Michigan too (must have been facebook thing) and that she wanted to come drink with him. So, she drives over and they get hammered. They drive away to some park and start making out and she starts blowing him when they get in the backseat. Just then his phone rings and it's his buddies back at the bar saying their car got towed and they need a lift back to Toledo. So despite feeling incredibly cockblocked from some major drunk sex, he agrees. So he and this chick drive back, both absolutely hammered, and she's driving when he goes, "Soooo, you wanna finish that blowjob?" and she says "I gotta drive." Well he ends up convincing her to suck his dick while she puts it on cruise and he steers with his pants down from the passenger seat. He coined it as "co-piloting."

Probably the most unsafe way to drive without being blindfolded, but I laugh every time regardless.
Pick6's avatar
Pick6
Posts: 14,946
Jul 6, 2010 9:37pm
sjmvsfscs08;413175 wrote:So this gem is a buddy of mine's:

He drinking at some bar in Michigan with some buddies, when he gets a text from a girl he knows that she's in Michigan too (must have been facebook thing) and that she wanted to come drink with him. So, she drives over and they get hammered. They drive away to some park and start making out and she starts blowing him when they get in the backseat. Just then his phone rings and it's his buddies back at the bar saying their car got towed and they need a lift back to Toledo. So despite feeling incredibly cockblocked from some major drunk sex, he agrees. So he and this chick drive back, both absolutely hammered, and she's driving when he goes, "Soooo, you wanna finish that blowjob?" and she says "I gotta drive." Well he ends up convincing her to suck his dick while she puts it on cruise and he steers with his pants down from the passenger seat. He coined it as "co-piloting."

Probably the most unsafe way to drive without being blindfolded, but I laugh every time regardless.

im not sure if alot of people do it or not, but a couple buddies of mine have actually had sex while they were driving.
karen lotz's avatar
karen lotz
Posts: 22,284
Jul 6, 2010 10:10pm
Pick6;413318 wrote:im not sure if alot of people do it or not, but a couple buddies of mine have actually had sex while they were driving.

thats pretty gay
S
sjmvsfscs08
Posts: 2,963
Jul 6, 2010 10:13pm
Pick6;413318 wrote:im not sure if alot of people do it or not, but a couple buddies of mine have actually had sex while they were driving.

It's more common than you'd think. I saw someone do it a few weeks ago in the middle of the day haha