Thank you all for your insight and advice. And snotbubbles, thanks for your addition too, I guess. Never say anything that comes out of your mouth is either insightful, or advice

But... Is this something that most of you feel I should let my wife handle? I was thinking maybe my wife and her mom.

ernest_t_bass;385506 wrote:But... Is this something that most of you feel I should let my wife handle? I was thinking maybe my wife and her mom.

FWIW, I think you should be involved in it, as she's your daughter too. I like the idea of emphasizing that she was so special you wanted her to be your daughter.

I was adopted at birth, well 2 days after birth. I realized i was different at an early age(1st grade-ish) that i wasnt like my parents, it was easy for me to tell though bc theyre white and I wasnt. It never really bothered me and when they sat down and talked to me about it they said I didnt even really seem to mind at all. When I was 18 my "real" mother tried to get ahold of me..But I basically just ignored her because as far as im concerned I live with my real parents. Its not like I was adopted at 10 years old, these are the only parents I've known and thats that. And I honestly think itd be almost an insult to my parents to go seek my birth parents out

ernest_t_bass;385314 wrote:How do you even break this news to an almost 5 year old? How do you tell her that "Daddy's your daddy, but not your real daddy."

Biological != Real.

Whatever you choose to tell or not tell, you are her real father.

I was adopted from birth and it was never a secret. I can't imagine it being any other way.
I would definitely not suggest keeping it a secret.

Growing up I had a book called "Why Was I Adopted?" by Carole Livingston. I remembered my parents reading it with me and it helped them better explain things too me.

I don't recall what age the book is appropriate for, but I'm pretty sure I was fairly young the first time we read through it.

You may want to check it out and see if that might help.

Hb31187;385564 wrote: I realized i was different at an early age that i wasnt like my parents, it was easy for me to tell though bc theyre white and I wasnt.

Pssssh.....please. That means absolutely nothing. Only one of my 3 kids is white! My wife told me that God works in mysterious ways, I call them my little miracle schwarzy children!! Do you know how rare it is for full caucasian parents to have one (let alone two) babies that are black as night? VERY rare and miraculous!

I'm so blessed.

SnotBubbles;385578 wrote:Pssssh.....please. That means absolutely nothing. Only one of my 3 kids is white! My wife told me that God works in mysterious ways, I call them my little miracle schwarzy children!! Do you know how rare it is for full caucasian parents to have one (let alone two) babies that are black as night? VERY rare and miraculous!

I'm so blessed.

Lmao idk what to even say to this haha

Don't say that my wife ♥'s black cock! Because that is not true! Miracles!

ernest_t_bass;385506 wrote:...

But... Is this something that most of you feel I should let my wife handle? I was thinking maybe my wife and her mom.

In my opinion this is something that should be handled by the child's mother and father.....you and your wife.

^^Exactly. She needs you both there.

I can understand in a normal adoption with both parents being there. I am just not sure what my role would be.

Your role would be to explain exactly why you adopted her - because you wanted everyone - including the God and the world (and the legal system) - to know that she is your daughter and you couldn't possibly love her more even if she were biologically yours.

do her mom.... o wait

thedynasty1998;385294 wrote:Another quick side story,

I have an aunt who got pregnant out of wedlock with a black man. She is white and her husband is white. When the baby was born he looked black and her husband said we are giving the kid up for adoption or I'm leaving you. So, she gave the son up for adoption.

About 5 years ago (40 years after giving him up for adoption) my aunt is gardening and her birth son walks up to her house, as he had sought her out (he's a Columbus Police Officer). As soon as their eyes met, she lost it and knew that he was her birth son.

She ended up passing away just a couple months after.

However, I always thought how crazy it is that after not seeing him since he was an infant as soon as she saw him she knew.

Wait she got pregnant with another dude while married or she was bout to marry him?

2quik4u;385829 wrote:do her mom.... o wait

ZING!

ZWICK 4 PREZ;385873 wrote:Wait she got pregnant with another dude while married or she was bout to marry him?

no shit right?

I agree with those saying to tell her as soon as possible.

There are many, many good books about adoption that you can look into that can help you (and wife) properly begin telling your daughter based on age specific conversation. This is one of those times in life one must seek out professional help to insure this information is properly disseminated.

I am also an adoptive parent (asian daughter)... it is very noticable that my wife and I are not her birth parents, and I understand the difference in your situation, but I think you must immediately begin the conversation by building a relational information bridge with adoption terminology that is target specific for her age demographic. But, seek out guidance from professionals with experience in these type of adoptions first. Our daughter runs around and will tell people sometimes " I'm from --------"...LOL. She has no idea what it really means yet, but as she gets older hopefully we have done a proper job of setting her up to fully understand the situation as best as possible. In international adoption it is very common for adoptive families to celebrate the adoption day as their "Forever family day." Maybe you can celebrate the special adoption day within your family after she fully understands the situation. If anyone can possibly love their child more than I love my adopted daughter.... God bless you. Adoption is the greatest single event of my life (even though she was crying and whining only a few moments ago... LOL)

We have friends who also adopted... and their daughter was playing outside with neighbor girls.... the one girl said "only kids with real mom's can play this time" You do not want your daughter to find out the same way. I wish you nothing but the best in your relationship with your daughter. PS. Do not fear the douch dad.... she will figure that out all by herself unfortunately (or fortunately.)

Not telling her at all will not work. In this age of instant communication, she WILL find out whether you tell her or she finds out a different way. For one thing, your name as her father is not on her birth certificate.

Do get professional help. The pros can tell you more that we can.

I have a step-brother who is adopted. My step-mom told him about a year ago (when he was 15). Personally, I think it was a little late.

My opinion is that you tell them as soon as you think they are old enough to really understand. Also, dont worry about her feelings possibly changing for you, when she is at an age that she can understand, she will appreciate all you have done and accept you as her dad im sure.

FairwoodKing;386366 wrote:your name as her father is not on her birth certificate.

Yes it is. But NOT telling her will not be an option for us.

My parents names were on my BC too, but it was stamped by the county a year and half after my birth. Trust me, kids notice more than you think. You're doing the right thing, Ernest. I would agree that I'm sure there are some wonderful age specific books that could help you either at the library or the book store. Good luck with this and bless you for caring enough about your daughter to protect her legally from the biological jerk.