Something has been on my mind lately, and I just need to vent a little. As most of you know (and some of you have been low enough to joke about it) I adopted my wife's daughter this year. I've raised this girl since she was 15 months old, and she is now almost 5. She is my daughter, and I personally don't look at her as "adopted." However, I know that the day will come when we will have to tell her that I am not her biological father. She hasn't the slightest idea right now, and to her, I am her father. I lost a lot of sleep last night b/c I could not stop thinking about what might happen when we finally have to tell her. I'm afraid that she will want to search for her real father and her relationship with me will be ruined. Real dad is a douche bag. Knows full well of this little sweetheart, doesn't care. Good for me... for now.

Those of you who are either adopted or who have adopted your own... how do you deal with this? I know that it is nothing I can control, but how do you deal? When is the best time to break the news?

The earlier the better. Yes, they can't be too young to have this seed of knowledge planted. As she matures the questions will get more in-depth.

Adoption is not an event. It is a lifelong process. Each adoption can impact 5 peoplefirectly , in your case it's four, and the pre and post-placement services are terrible in our country. There are difficult ramifications to the process of adoption that are personality impacting and shouldn't be taken lightly. Don't be afraid to ask this question to a qualified adoption counselor. Usually your county social services department can and is very willing to spend time talking to you about it.

God Bless you for making this decision. Your wife's daughter is and will be better off because you did but you need to make sure that you are prepared to address the things that come along with it...and they are never ending.

I know I'll be in the extreme minority here, but if her "dad" doesn't have anything to do with her, she has your name, you raised her.. Does she really NEED to know? Ur her dad and that's all that matters. Biologically it doesn't matter to me imo.

Be open and honest with her now. She's only going to understand that you are the one who's with her and you are her Dad. If you don't make it a big deal it won't be. If you spring something like this on her when she's older, it's going to be a much bigger deal and more traumatic for her.

Trust me on this one.

My fiance was adopted at birth and I'm not exactly sure when she would told/understood what exactly that meant. Her parents adopted her from a 16 year old and basically took custody immediately after birth.

She has said she has no desire to seek out her birth mom because she really doesn't care and also because she thinks it would be insulting to her parents. She does however have high interest in shows like 16 and Pregnant and any show that deals with adoption and she always wonders what situation her birth mom was in and how hard of a decision it was for her.

I know it's a different situation, but I think as your daughter gets older the more appreciative she will become to you.

Also, I wouldn't be offended if she wanted to seek out her birth father, although that is easy for me to say since I'm not in that situation.

I was adopted at six months and my parents were always upfront about telling me. When I got older I never had any desire to find my biological parents I still don't to this day and I am 43. I have always considered my adoptive parents to be my real parents

Now we have two girls we have adopted. They are aware we are not their biological parents

I think being open and honest about the issue from the time she is old enough to understand will take away some of the stigma in her mind. She will know which man loved her and raised her and which one didn't.

Another quick side story,

I have an aunt who got pregnant out of wedlock with a black man. She is white and her husband is white. When the baby was born he looked black and her husband said we are giving the kid up for adoption or I'm leaving you. So, she gave the son up for adoption.

About 5 years ago (40 years after giving him up for adoption) my aunt is gardening and her birth son walks up to her house, as he had sought her out (he's a Columbus Police Officer). As soon as their eyes met, she lost it and knew that he was her birth son.

She ended up passing away just a couple months after.

However, I always thought how crazy it is that after not seeing him since he was an infant as soon as she saw him she knew.

I am of the same thought as Power I and Con. Tell her now and answer the questions that will come later.

I also have the same thoughts as Zwick, but the problem (hypothetically) that might come up later will just arise if something medical happens in the future. Don't want something like that to pop up then.
But again, I agree with the sentiments.

I really don't think she would understand anything if we told her now.

The number of people directly impacted by adoptions is staggering. Each one has an interesting story.

These situations matter and the raw emotions that stir and the core being one is is determined by how the process is addressed. Please use the resources available to continue your journey as a father with this young child.

ernest_t_bass;385299 wrote:I really don't think she would understand anything if we told her now.

Probably not but she will build upon what it means at her own pace and that's critically important.

My dad adopted my sister because her biological father wanted nothing to do with her. My sister was always aware of the whole situation and she has no desire to see her biological dad and they were living about 3 blocks apart at one point.

Also... The thought has crossed my mind about NOT telling her, but I think that is selfish on my part. She deserves to know what we know. What happens if she hears it from someone else? Then the shit REALLY hits the fan!

How do you even break this news to an almost 5 year old? How do you tell her that "Daddy's your daddy, but not your real daddy."

ernest_t_bass;385314 wrote:How do you even break this news to an almost 5 year old? How do you tell her that "Daddy's your daddy, but not your real daddy."

I don't know how my parents did it. My parents were married when she was 3 and he adopted her I believe 2 years later, I'm not sure. Her father was NEVER involved in her life and I believe my mom and dad dated for a year or 2 before they got married so she was about the same age when she was introduced to my dad.

If you want me to find out details on how they did it, I would be more than happy to ask.

Any details, help, suggestions are more than appreciated! Thanks!

I think you have to tell her. What happens if somewhere down the line a medical situation comes up and you then have to tell her? I know that would be rare, but better to know, than to not.

I don't have any experience or answers and I think this is a really hard question. But I would think it would be important to be honest with her and the earlier the better. I also don't think her relationship with her biological father has any impact on her relationship with you. You will still be the person who raised her and took care of her and was there for all the important events in her life. I wish I had more to offer.

I STRONGLY don't agree with telling her sooner versus later. I don't think she needs to have a childhood "burdened" (for lack of a better word and/or weighted down and/or confused) with this "information". You only get one childhood in this life, under YOUR circumstances, i.e., that she has two loving and devoted parents, I firmly believe this is information that is better left on a need to know basis. Right now, and in the immediate foreseeable future, she does not NEED to know. There is no good reason she needs to be straddled with this information that will always and forever more be in the back of her mind. I think how this will all play out in the future will be guided by how she is raised by you and your wife over the years. Love cannot be replaced or forgotten. Love her like you OBVIOUSLY do and be a good father to her over the years. Your ACTIONS in her upbringing will speak volumes to her and the "information" will ultimately not even matter.

Best of luck to you and YOUR daughter!!!!!!! Bless you for being what sounds like a beautiful loving father in her life.

Honestly, she'll probably be uber-excited to find out that you aren't really her father. It will be a weight lifted off of her chest! "Phew...no blood relation to this d-bag!"

Now for an honest opinion. She's too young to understand or really even care. Wait a few years and then tell her. Yes, she does deserve to know...but she also doesn't deserve to be told something she wouldn't understand completely.

To a 5 year old, saying "I'm not your real father," would be frightening, especially if that's all she's ever known. It would translate to something much worse.

I wouldn't make it a big sit down talk. In everyday conversation, your wife could tell her that a long time ago when she was a baby, she had another daddy, but he couldn't stay (for whatever reason, if there is one). I wouldn't bash him or make him sound bad, you could say he just didn't love Mommy anymore so it doesn't sound like it was her he didn't love. Then go on to say how lucky they were to find such a wonderful new Daddy who will always love her and never leave her.

That's enough to plant the seed without making her worry about it. It's a simple story and happens everyday. Someday, she will probably have questions and will appreciate you being honest with her. Obviously I was in the same situation and this is how I handled it. 24 years later my daughter has never shown interest in finding her sperm donor and my husband is the best Father she could have ever asked for.

There was a kid in town who was in the same situation. His parents never told him, but everyone in town knew. When he was in high school, some of the kids had found out and told him. He was a good kid who pretty much turned into a punk after that. Not the way to find out something so personal.

Not being adopted but give away like a pair of shoe to a friend on prom night. My bio mother gave me away to her sister and then moved on to have two other sons that she raised.
This was a family secret for many years. I had always felt different and something inside was just not right. There was a feeling of want …………
My bio mother passed away early when I was 14 years old and even then I was not told.
However as time continued some things did not match up and I knew something was not right but I didn’t ask. Maybe because I didn’t want to know the truth???????
After being drafted, wounded, married, first born on the way the family (my mom) came to me and told me the story. I was 27 years old. What she did know is I already had found out some of the facts and researched much of the situation from old bibles and letter I found and grandma house. However never really sure that I understood everything. I was grateful to know the story and what happen and how together but there was still much that was not answered.
As you know I’m now looking for my bio father ..(should have done this years ago but did not) Why? I have no idea. My bio father maybe be dead I don’t know.

Let me tell you something from a father of three daughters. You love her, giver her hugs and butter fly lashes kiss, be there for her, laugh when she laughs and cry when she hurts and support with a stern hand and emotion of joy, pride and satisfaction ….and your reward is a “Daughter Love” and there is nothing greater.

I can’t tell when the right time is ..and maybe it not yours to tell ………… This could be your wife call… maybe she should be the one to tell her daughter about a wonderful person that loves her

this is a subject I hope i never have to breech.

Scarlet_Buckeye;385343 wrote:I STRONGLY don't agree with telling her sooner versus later. I don't think she needs to have a childhood "burdened" (for lack of a better word and/or weighted down and/or confused) with this "information". ...

Post placement counselors give different advice than this. When done properly the child is not "burdened, weighed down or confused" and doesn't have to be. When waiting, no matter the love and nurturing a father provides throughout the child's life such news can be traumatic and isn't lessened or softened by the quality of childhood one might have.

Quality professional advice is important. Don't just wing it and hope that love will overcome any obstacles. This is too important to simply act on the advice of others. Even when done the proper way there still can be implications for the child as an adult.

I hope that the local services available are turned to.

Ernest, I was adopted at birth and I just always knew I was special because I had been adopted. As I grew older and had a better understanding, it meant more to me, but it was never a "secret". My parents just always told me that they had so much love for me that they went through a lot to be able to adopt me. It never freaked me out, because it was always out in the open and any time I would have a question, it would be addressed right away to a level that I could emotionally understand at the time. Unlike most on here, when I gave birth to my own son, I did seek out and locate my birth mother. I guess I watch too many soaps or something, but it was really important to me in terms of my son's future health to know where he came from genetically. I was reunited with my mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, uncle and 2 nephews and it was an amazing experience. But as much as I care for them all, my mom and dad are the ones who raised me, loved me, cared for me and journeyed me through life.

Scarlet Buckeye, with all due respect, I have to disagree completely with you stance. Nothing could be more traumatizing that being say 16 or 17 years old and suddenly having your whole image of yourself and your identity changed by finding out your dad isn't technically your biological dad. I've had friends who found out later in life, vs. just always knowing, and it was horrible for them. They started questioning everything about themselves, their confidence plummeted, the self esteem took a major hit.

Everyone has to make the decision as they see best, but honesty really is the best policy in this case IMO.