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Trial Separation

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pmoney25's avatar

pmoney25

Senior Member

1,787 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:03 AM
So after almost 7 years of Marriage and a rough past year. My Wife has brought up the idea of a trial separation. I will be moving out and staying with a friend. However just based on the way she acts and comments she makes I believe this unfortunately is heading to a divorce. Counseling is out of the question also.

Some comments that have led to this are " We seem more like roommates", "Dont remember why I married you", "There is a fine line between flirting and cheating and I do get near that line"

Yes I know what everyone is thinking now and that has crossed my mind but in all honesty if so I don't really know how upset Id actually be. I believe at this point we are just two separate people. I believe that being the father of two kids, 31 years old , having a good job, taking care of my family and spending time with my family is more important than going out on the weekends and getting shitfaced drunk with my friends but apparently I am "boring" because that is not my idea of a good time anymore.

I am not perfect cause lord knows there are things I can do better.

I do love her and want to be together but I don't want to be with someone who does not feel the same way. The unfortunate part is we have two amazingly wonderful kids together who are 5 and 2 and the thought of not seeing them everyday kills me but I know having them grow up in a dysfunctional house is not the right thing to do either.

Anyways, has anyone actually heard of a trial separation being a good thing? Or is this just making the inevitable easier to deal with?
Jul 27, 2011 10:03am
Q

queencitybuckeye

Senior Member

7,117 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:07 AM
The last sentence of your first paragraph leads me to believe that things don't look good. Sorry to hear it.
Jul 27, 2011 10:07am
OneBuckeye's avatar

OneBuckeye

Senior Member

5,888 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:07 AM
pmoney25;842856 wrote:So after almost 7 years of Marriage and a rough past year. My Wife has brought up the idea of a trial separation. I will be moving out and staying with a friend. However just based on the way she acts and comments she makes I believe this unfortunately is heading to a divorce. Counseling is out of the question also.

Some comments that have led to this are " We seem more like roommates", "Dont remember why I married you", "There is a fine line between flirting and cheating and I do get near that line"

Yes I know what everyone is thinking now and that has crossed my mind but in all honesty if so I don't really know how upset Id actually be. I believe at this point we are just two separate people. I believe that being the father of two kids, 31 years old , having a good job, taking care of my family and spending time with my family is more important than going out on the weekends and getting shitfaced drunk with my friends but apparently I am "boring" because that is not my idea of a good time anymore. I am not perfect cause lord knows there are things I can do better.

I do love her and want to be together but I don't want to be with someone who does not feel the same way. The unfortunate part is we have two amazingly wonderful kids together who are 5 and 2 and the thought of not seeing them everyday kills me but I know having them grow up in a dysfunctional house is not the right thing to do either.

Anyways, has anyone actually heard of a trial separation being a good thing? Or is this just making the inevitable easier to deal with?

If that is her idea of a good time, she should be the one moving out. Tell her Casey Anthony is looking for roomates. I had a friend in a similar situation. Ended in divorce. Good luck.
Jul 27, 2011 10:07am
dwccrew's avatar

dwccrew

Not Banned

7,817 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:09 AM
You got married too young, unfortunately. I have read studies that state people that get married under the age of 25 are 50% more likely to get divorced. Sounds as if your wife still wants to go out and live as if she were single at times, am I correct in interpreting that from your post?

To your question, I believe you two should at least attempt some counseling. Better to give that a shot that just go straight to a trial seperation. If you two are that quick to do a "trial" seperation, you are more than likely headed towards divorce IMO. Sorry, but I had to be honest.
Jul 27, 2011 10:09am
pmoney25's avatar

pmoney25

Senior Member

1,787 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:15 AM
I want to do counseling but she just believes that counseling in general is a waste of time. I do believe that counseling helps because last june I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer( Lucky for me it was caught super early and removed) and been cancer free for 14 months now but I was depressed for awhile after that and the counseling I received has helped tremendously.

Dont get me wrong I think hanging out with friends is healthy for a marriage and I do go out with my friends to watch UFC fights, ball games, just hang out but I may have two or three beers and be home by midnight where she gets hammered , comes home around 4 am and is hungover the next day. She was 21 when we married so you probably are right about wanting to live it up some.
Jul 27, 2011 10:15am
dwccrew's avatar

dwccrew

Not Banned

7,817 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:20 AM
pmoney25;842881 wrote:I want to do counseling but she just believes that counseling in general is a waste of time. I do believe that counseling helps because last june I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer( Lucky for me it was caught super early and removed) and been cancer free for 14 months now but I was depressed for awhile after that and the counseling I received has helped tremendously.

Dont get me wrong I think hanging out with friends is healthy for a marriage and I do go out with my friends to watch UFC fights, ball games, just hang out but I may have two or three beers and be home by midnight where she gets hammered , comes home around 4 am and is hungover the next day. She was 21 when we married so you probably are right about wanting to live it up some.

If this is the case and she is saying counseling is a waste of time, to me, there is no doubt she wants a divorce. I have a friend that was in a similar situation (except they fortunately have no children). They were together 10 years (since they were 18 and 19) married for only a year, she wanted a trial seperation. This was last August, they are both speaking with attorneys to file divorce/dissolution.

I really hope that things work out for you, but it sounds as if she wants to relive her early 20's she missed out on. If I were you I'd be setting up a contigency plan on how to get custody of your children if and when the time comes for divorce. If partying is more important to her than being with her family, you don't want your children around that constantly.
Jul 27, 2011 10:20am
ts1227's avatar

ts1227

Senior Member

12,319 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:24 AM
I've always felt that trial separations are dumb, and just delay the inevitable. Cut your losses and move on now instead of later.

Sorry to hear that things have got that rough, though.
Jul 27, 2011 10:24am
T

thavoice

Senior Member

14,376 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:25 AM
I know two people who have did a trial separation.
wit
In both instances it ended up being the one who brought up the issue wanted to basically "test out" freedom and date without doing so and considered "Cheating". One ended up working out and they got back together once the guy found out that being single and dating wasnt as greate as he rememberd, whereas the other ended up in a divorce and she ended up marrying the guy she dated while they were separated.

I am unsure if either was dating those said individuals when the separation started, but I have my suspicions.


I think if the topic has arose then it is something she really must want to do, and fighting it is really not worth it as it will continue to get worse and worse. In a CYA kind of thing I would start to document everything that goes on with times, dates and such.
Jul 27, 2011 10:25am
se-alum's avatar

se-alum

The Biggest Boss

13,948 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:27 AM
dwccrew;842871 wrote:You got married too young, unfortunately. I have read studies that state people that get married under the age of 25 are 50% more likely to get divorced. Sounds as if your wife still wants to go out and live as if she were single at times, am I correct in interpreting that from your post?

To your question, I believe you two should at least attempt some counseling. Better to give that a shot that just go straight to a trial seperation. If you two are that quick to do a "trial" seperation, you are more than likely headed towards divorce IMO. Sorry, but I had to be honest.
Completely agree with this. I have had alot of my friends get married young, and almost all of them have gone through trouble like this, and for some reason, it seems like it is always the woman who decides that she wants to go out and live it up. I'm sure there's a study somewhere that explains that phenomenon. I think it gets worse the longer you are together before marriage. For instance, if you started dating in high school and get married at 22 or 23 years old. You never had the opportunity to really go out and have fun living a care free lifestyle. Surprisingly, most of my friends were able to save their marriage, and are happy now. I wouldn't right it off. It may just take some time for her to realize that the party life, isn't all its cracked up to be, and she will want back the life that she had.
Jul 27, 2011 10:27am
B

Bigdogg

Senior Member

1,429 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:31 AM
Sorry to say, but sounds like she is either with someone else or has plans to be with someone else. That's the way it works in 99% of case like yours. Either, way you are in for a rough ride. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. In the mean time, if she wants a trial separation, let her be the one that moves out. Work out a equal visitation schedule, and make an appointment with all the really good divorce attorneys in your area. The visitation schedule will pay off for you if you have to go through with a divorce and meeting with the attorneys will prevent her from raking you over the coals if you do get a divorce. Good luck.
Jul 27, 2011 10:31am
Scarlet_Buckeye's avatar

Scarlet_Buckeye

Senior Member

5,264 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:38 AM
#1 you should NOT move out (this will look like you are abandoning the children later on in Court and could reflect bad on you).
#2 Counseling - then you go by yourself (this will look better for you in Court should it end up there) and also insist on family counseling.
#3 do not go on the "defense" with your wife because you don't know what is going to happen down the road. You need to stay in an "offensive" position.
Jul 27, 2011 10:38am
4cards's avatar

4cards

Ohio Chatter Legend

2,551 posts
Jul 27, 2011 10:51 AM
...If she wants a trial separation, let her be the one who leaves. I agree with the other posters, GO GET MARRIAGE COUNSELING even if you have to go by yourself.
Jul 27, 2011 10:51am
T

thavoice

Senior Member

14,376 posts
Jul 27, 2011 11:07 AM
I feel for ya though man.

Goodluck. And I agree with others...if she wants the separation then she should move out. I know there are kids involved and that can be touchy in that sense as most likely they would stay at the home.

It is not a very fun time to be stuck around someone you are miserable with. It can be the worst time, other than deaths, or a persons life and really take a toll on ya.

Goodluck
Jul 27, 2011 11:07am
ernest_t_bass's avatar

ernest_t_bass

12th Son of the Lama

24,984 posts
Jul 27, 2011 11:13 AM
You need to WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN! If she says that she wants to go out and party, then you need to write this down, maybe even try to have a witness. This would help your case in child custody.
Jul 27, 2011 11:13am
power i's avatar

power i

Senior Member

1,296 posts
Jul 27, 2011 11:14 AM
4cards;842940 wrote:...If she wants a trial separation, let her be the one who leaves. I agree with the other posters, GO GET MARRIAGE COUNSELING even if you have to go by yourself.

Exactly.
Jul 27, 2011 11:14am
ZWICK 4 PREZ's avatar

ZWICK 4 PREZ

Senior Member

7,733 posts
Jul 27, 2011 11:23 AM
It's a pretty typical situation. It won't end well. Call a lawyer ASAP.
Jul 27, 2011 11:23am
Ironman92's avatar

Ironman92

Administrator

49,363 posts
Jul 27, 2011 11:28 AM
Do what is best for you and your kids. The situation doesn't sound good. If you want to make it work....go to counseling. It sounds like she doesn't want to make it work. Whatever decisions that are made.....keep the kids in mind.
Jul 27, 2011 11:28am
Heretic's avatar

Heretic

Son of the Sun

18,820 posts
Jul 27, 2011 11:39 AM
Just bone some chick and say, "You know how you were talking about that fine line between flirting and cheating...man, it was fucking great to jump over it!"

Sure, it might have future repercussions, but the look on her face while you're saying that and showing off nude pics will be worth it!
Jul 27, 2011 11:39am
wes_mantooth's avatar

wes_mantooth

Tomfoolery & shenanigans

17,977 posts
Jul 27, 2011 11:46 AM
ZWICK 4 PREZ;842989 wrote:It's a pretty typical situation. It won't end well. Call a lawyer ASAP.

Yep...agreed.

I did the trial separation and things got worse tension wise.
Jul 27, 2011 11:46am
Fab4Runner's avatar

Fab4Runner

Tits McGee

6,196 posts
Jul 27, 2011 11:47 AM
wes_mantooth;843047 wrote:Yep...agreed.

I did the trial separation and things got worse tension wise.
And now you're besties with your ex, her current husband and their kid. Good times!
Jul 27, 2011 11:47am
j_crazy's avatar

j_crazy

7 gram rocks. how i roll.

8,372 posts
Jul 27, 2011 11:58 AM
everyone on here is right. if you do what she's saying to do, you're going to lose your kids.

sucks big time homie. if you do separate for the love of GOD don't hook up with anyone until thinks either work out or you end the relationship. either way, banging a bunch of skanks or hooking up with someone new looks bad on you.
Jul 27, 2011 11:58am
wes_mantooth's avatar

wes_mantooth

Tomfoolery & shenanigans

17,977 posts
Jul 27, 2011 12:00 PM
Fab4Runner;843050 wrote:And now you're besties with your ex, her current husband and their kid. Good times!

Lol....very true. May grill out with them tonight!
Jul 27, 2011 12:00pm
F

friendfromlowry

Senior Member

6,239 posts
Jul 27, 2011 12:43 PM
Threads like these make me glad I'll be turning 24 years old this weekend and still single...
Jul 27, 2011 12:43pm
Scarlet_Buckeye's avatar

Scarlet_Buckeye

Senior Member

5,264 posts
Jul 27, 2011 1:04 PM
pmoney25;842856 wrote:So after almost 7 years of Marriage and a rough past year. My Wife has brought up the idea of a trial separation. I will be moving out and staying with a friend. However just based on the way she acts and comments she makes I believe this unfortunately is heading to a divorce. Counseling is out of the question also.

Some comments that have led to this are " We seem more like roommates", "Dont remember why I married you", "There is a fine line between flirting and cheating and I do get near that line"

Yes I know what everyone is thinking now and that has crossed my mind but in all honesty if so I don't really know how upset Id actually be. I believe at this point we are just two separate people. I believe that being the father of two kids, 31 years old , having a good job, taking care of my family and spending time with my family is more important than going out on the weekends and getting ****faced drunk with my friends but apparently I am "boring" because that is not my idea of a good time anymore.

I am not perfect cause lord knows there are things I can do better.

I do love her and want to be together but I don't want to be with someone who does not feel the same way. The unfortunate part is we have two amazingly wonderful kids together who are 5 and 2 and the thought of not seeing them everyday kills me but I know having them grow up in a dysfunctional house is not the right thing to do either.

Anyways, has anyone actually heard of a trial separation being a good thing? Or is this just making the inevitable easier to deal with?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no way that this situation can work out "good." It sucks, and I'm sorry to hear this for you, because from everything you stated above, you sound like a nice/good guy.
Jul 27, 2011 1:04pm
T

Tiernan

Senior Member

13,021 posts
Jul 27, 2011 1:16 PM
Trial Separation is just another way of her saying "GTFO I want everything!" Don't fall for this BS. Do not under any circumstances move out of that house man or you will be taking it hard and deep in the long run.
Jul 27, 2011 1:16pm