This is a spin off taken from the "how easily do you forgive?" thread...Laley23 brought up a point that is worth discussing...if you're in a relationship and someone cheats on you, is it an instant end to your relationship/deal breaker, or are there times when you would forgive? I believe his quote was "situations matter"...also, does the level of seriousness matter? for instance if your married, do you try harder to forgive before deciding to divorce/separate?

I'm no angel, but proud to say I've never cheated on a girlfriend, though I have been tempted to several times, and I've only had to deal with being cheated on once in my life so far. It sucks and WAS a deal breaker for me because of my situation and who it was with. I was in college and figured there were plenty of other intelligent, attractive women around so it wasn't worth the time/effort to try and repair trust that might never return. And it was one of my closest friends, who we all used to hang together with all the time. Couldn't take staying with the gf and be in the same room with both of them at the same time all the time, and act like nothing had gone down.

What say you guys?

It's an absolute deal breaker and I don't understand anyone who says otherwise. If he/she doesn't value you enough to not go messing around with someone else, then fuck 'um. Too many great, single people out there waiting for you to waste time on someone like that. If I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm dedicated and devoted to them, and I expect that in return. Anything else is unacceptable.

I love your signature. Mighty Ducks all the way.

I know a couple that has been married 32 years that, in that time (they were already married), EACH had an affair that they eventually admitted to the other, and they worked through it.

I've gotta say, I don't envy that position at all, but you've got to admire the strength of a relationship to withstand that.

I don't admire it at all. In fact, it grosses me out. If my wife cheated, there'd be no going back, period.

tuskytuffguy;742840 wrote:I don't admire it at all. In fact, it grosses me out. If my wife cheated, there'd be no going back, period.

Id get break up sex. Filthy, disgusting break up sex. Unspeakable break up sex.

pnhasbeen;742842 wrote:Id get break up sex. Filthy, disgusting break up sex. Unspeakable break up sex.

OK, I LOL'd.

I'm 90% my "girlfriend" cheats on me. It's cool though, I cheat on her too. LOL

tuskytuffguy;742840 wrote:I don't admire it at all. In fact, it grosses me out. If my wife cheated, there'd be no going back, period.

That's fine if you don't have what it takes to get past it. That's the reason I admire them, because I'm not sure I could do it either, but somehow they've learned how to forgive each other of even something that damaging. That kind of forgiveness is pretty rare in our world, I'd say.

sleeper;742851 wrote:I'm 90% my "girlfriend" cheats on me. It's cool though, I cheat on her too. LOL

lol'd. If this site did "reps," I'd totally rep this.

friendfromlowry;742778 wrote:It's an absolute deal breaker and I don't understand anyone who says otherwise. If he/she doesn't value you enough to not go messing around with someone else, then fuck 'um.

This. I could never take somebody back who did anything in regards to cheating. If somebody really wants to be with you, they wouldn't fool around with someone else. I don't buy that "it shows how strong their relationship is because he got over her cheating.." bullshit, it means he's a pussy and has no problem letting her blow other men.

Yep. I broke up with my first GF but not cause she cheated on me. I didnt have to make the decision though cause I found out about (them) afterwords. Whatever, we were in fucking HS. I still talk to her once a week and we hang out everytime she is back in town.

Second GF I stayed with after a pretty bad one. I just dont get as into the emotions as much as most. She made me happy when I was with her, we had a blast together, etc etc. There was no reason to break up and ruin a great thing cause of some stupid drunk night. I was over it, literally, before the night was over lol. I realize Im a different breed, but whatever.

If the girl makes you happy and makes your life that much better...who really cares.

tuskytuffguy;742840 wrote:If my wife cheated, there'd be no going back, period.

If my wife cheated there better be a period, sometime in the next 4 weeks.

I think there's a much better chance of forgiveness once in a marriage - by people who meant what they said when they spoke the words "for better or for worse". Or at least there should be a better chance of it, IMO.

Now if only dating, there's a better chance that it's a total dealbreaker. It really goes to show that the two people are in much different spheres in their life and choicemaking.

In either case, cheating never happens by accident. It's always an intentional choice.

Personally for me, I consider it an endgame.

My GF's sister gets cheated on and yelled at all the time and she is obsessed with the dick head. Everyone hates him and he treats he so bad and she still is with him. Some people are just dumb.

CenterBHSFan;742937 wrote:I think there's a much better chance of forgiveness once in a marriage - by people who meant what they said when they spoke the words "for better or for worse". Or at least there should be a better chance of it, IMO.

Now if only dating, there's a better chance that it's a total dealbreaker. It really goes to show that the two people are in much different spheres in their life and choicemaking.

In either case, cheating never happens by accident. It's always an intentional choice.

Personally for me, I consider it an endgame.

Agreed, it's especially difficult if kids are involved. So many things cross your mind in severing a marriage: am I doing the right thing for the kids, will I see them as often as I want, what is my financial situation going to be like?

If you are dating and no children are involved, there are too many other fish in the sea.

BORIStheCrusher;742932 wrote:This. I could never take somebody back who did anything in regards to cheating. If somebody really wants to be with you, they wouldn't fool around with someone else. I don't buy that "it shows how strong their relationship is because he got over her cheating.." bullshit, it means he's a pussy and has no problem letting her blow other men.

Or it means he wasn't lying when he gave his vows.

I know this couple very personally, and I care about them a great deal. In both cases (when he cheated on her, and when she cheated on them), they didn't even like being in the same house as the other person, let alone being married to them. Took years to get through it both times.

I suppose most people just don't consider the commitment as being as important as they really do, but I hardly consider a willingness to take the harder road a sign of weakness. And I know that neither stayed out of weakness, having talked to them both extensively about it. It would have been easier ... MUCH easier ... for them to leave each time.

For what it's worth, when each of them cheated, both parties wanted to divorce (the man actually left for about a week when the woman cheated). But it was a short-sighted thing, though, and once they've gotten through it, both are happy they didn't.

CenterBHSFan;742937 wrote:I think there's a much better chance of forgiveness once in a marriage - by people who meant what they said when they spoke the words "for better or for worse". Or at least there should be a better chance of it, IMO.

Yeah, sometimes "worse" really is "worse." Those are strong words that shouldn't be uttered without considering just how bad it can get. If you're a man or woman of your word, you don't say things you don't mean, and you keep your word, even when another person hasn't kept theirs.

CenterBHSFan;742937 wrote:Now if only dating, there's a better chance that it's a total dealbreaker. It really goes to show that the two people are in much different spheres in their life and choicemaking.

I agree with this. Dating is a whole different story, if there has been no commitment or promise made.

CenterBHSFan;742937 wrote:In either case, cheating never happens by accident. It's always an intentional choice.

Absolutely. There is no such thing as a cheater without fault.

Little Danny;742990 wrote:Agreed, it's especially difficult if kids are involved. So many things cross your mind in severing a marriage: am I doing the right thing for the kids, will I see them as often as I want, what is my financial situation going to be like?

Or, again, the though of "this must be what 'better or worse' meant" can as well. In my example, they did have children, but the children were grown and out of the house (for the second affair, at least), and both were career professionals making good money. In both cases, the cheated-on spouse wanted out, but they decided to seek the advice of a marriage counselor, and in both cases, they ended up happier down the road having stayed together.

I know you guys have strong opinions about the subject, but these people mean a great deal to me, and I admire just how much they went through in order to keep their words to each other. I don't think there can be much more they could do to let the other know that they're going to be there no matter what. I have yet to meet someone who is as much a man of his word as this guy is, and I don't think I've met a woman who is as much a woman of her word as this lady. While I certainly never intend to cheat on my wife, and I don't ever expect her to cheat on me, I do hope that our commitment to each other is strong enough to withstand something that most people aren't strong enough to get over. That isn't so say I blame anyone for not being able to get over it, but it does mean I admire those that find a way.

We're all royal fuck-ups. It's never an accident when we actively do something that will hurt someone else, and given how often it seems to happen, we as human beings seem to be quite capable of infidelity. I just find it humbling to see two people who are able to accept each other even after they see what a horrible, unfaithful fuck-up the other person is capable of being.

ive cheated many times and continued a relationship. the once or twice i was cheated on, i ended the relationship. too young to give a shit at the moment.

O-Trap;743021 wrote:Or it means he wasn't lying when he gave his vows.

Or it just means he'll pick and choose which vows to remain true to. There's that little bit about promising to be true to your wife/husband...and then you give them a ring as a sign of your love and fidelity.

So just because they stuck it out doesn't mean they weren't lying when giving their vows, because they already proved that they were lying.


As for the question, if I was dating someone, I'd be more likely to let cheating slide. When I was in high school, I had a strong suspicion that the girl I was dating was cheating on me. But I didn't care because I knew the relationship wasn't going to be long term...and I was getting it regularly. In college, I cheated on my girlfriend back home. Still feel bad about it, but I had the same mentality. Once I met my wife, I knew it was going to be a long-term thing, and I never cheated. Now that we're married, if she were to cheat, it would be over. In a meaningful long-term relationship, I feel that cheating is a deal breaker. In a casual dating relationship...fuck it.

sherm03;743048 wrote:Or it just means he'll pick and choose which vows to remain true to. There's that little bit about promising to be true to your wife/husband...and then you give them a ring as a sign of your love and fidelity.

It means that he did violate it (as did she), yes. However, that doesn't mean (at least to them) that they decide that if it has been done once, it's A-okay to do it again.

sherm03;743048 wrote:So just because they stuck it out doesn't mean they weren't lying when giving their vows, because they already proved that they were lying.

No, but it means that, after all that was done, after they broke fidelity, they didn't just scrap the entire commitment.

I've never cheated, but I'm not sure there's a person in my life with whom I'm very close, but one of us hasn't broken trust. It sucks, and it's hard to get through. It would be MUCH easier to just sever the relationship. That would certainly be the easy way out, and many people take that route, and as I've said, I don't blame them.

However, "better or worse" in my mind includes a time when the other person doesn't fulfill their commitment in return.

sherm03;743048 wrote:As for the question, if I was dating someone, I'd be more likely to let cheating slide. When I was in high school, I had a strong suspicion that the girl I was dating was cheating on me. But I didn't care because I knew the relationship wasn't going to be long term...and I was getting it regularly. In college, I cheated on my girlfriend back home. Still feel bad about it, but I had the same mentality. Once I met my wife, I knew it was going to be a long-term thing, and I never cheated. Now that we're married, if she were to cheat, it would be over. In a meaningful long-term relationship, I feel that cheating is a deal breaker. In a casual dating relationship...fuck it.

See, I just don't see marriage as a "deal" at all. If I couldn't have said I'd love my wife even if she cheated on me at some point in our marriage, I would have never married her in the first place, and I personally don't understand why someone would.

When I got married, it was me telling my wife that I was with her, regardless of what happened. At the end of the day, I would always be in her corner, no matter the circumstances, including anything she could do. By marrying her, I was trusting that she wouldn't push that boundary (and I never would have married someone I could have seen doing that). But if she does, I'm no less committed to showing her exactly what I meant when I said I would never leave her. Doesn't mean I'd LIKE her a whole lot, but I don't think the warm fuzzies are a constant requirement in a loving relationship.

If you've been cheated on, MOVE ON! If they've done it once, they WILL do it again.

Laley23;742934 wrote:Yep. I broke up with my first GF but not cause she cheated on me. I didnt have to make the decision though cause I found out about (them) afterwords. Whatever, we were in fucking HS. I still talk to her once a week and we hang out everytime she is back in town.

Second GF I stayed with after a pretty bad one. I just dont get as into the emotions as much as most. She made me happy when I was with her, we had a blast together, etc etc. There was no reason to break up and ruin a great thing cause of some stupid drunk night. I was over it, literally, before the night was over lol. I realize Im a different breed, but whatever.

If the girl makes you happy and makes your life that much better...who really cares.

Why do all these chicks cheat on you? Don't take this the wrong way, but as another poster said, someone that takes a cheater back is a pussy and doesn't mind letting their significant other fuck around. Which is basically what you just said, that you didn't care. Guarantee this girl does it again because she knows you won't break up over it.

Scarlet_Buckeye;743145 wrote:If you've been cheated on, MOVE ON! If they've done it once, they WILL do it again.

So if people make a mistake or do something wrong, they're a lost cause, and will do it again?

Does this translate to lying? Stealing? Killing?

Anything you did when you were younger that you were ashamed of? Should that be held against you for the rest of your life?

I have to say, I'm glad the people I mentioned don't think like many of you. After watching them, I've never been more convinced that it's possible for a marriage to survive anything. It's proof that even if a person breaks trust, even as severely as that, there exists in some the ability to be committed strongly enough to get past it.

It's strange, but after seeing them before the infidelities, and seeing them now, they appear happier and more honest with each other than they've ever been today. Granted, it's been four years since the second infidelity, and about 13 years since the first one, but their relationship seems stronger now than it's ever been.

I don't blame anyone for not being able or willing to forgive something that egregious, but I'm humbled and proud of the fact that these folks were able to do so.

Honestly, it is my personal opinion that a marital bond should be this strong, such that even when one person does something to violate that commitment itself, they are able to hold on and restore the relationship, making the bond even stronger.

O-Trap;743202 wrote: I have to say, I'm glad the people I mentioned don't think like many of you. After watching them, I've never been more convinced that it's possible for a marriage to survive anything. It's proof that even if a person breaks trust, even as severely as that, there exists in some the ability to be committed strongly enough to get past it..

What if I beat the shit out of my wife because she talks back to me? Should she still try to work it out with me because we made a vow? I understand your point that couples can't just give up the first time they hit a bump in the road, but you have to draw the line somewhere. And for me (and a lot others) that line would be cheating.

BORIStheCrusher;743258 wrote:What if I beat the shit out of my wife because she talks back to me? Should she still try to work it out with me because we made a vow? I understand your point that couples can't just give up the first time they hit a bump in the road, but you have to draw the line somewhere. And for me (and a lot others) that line would be cheating.

I do know another couple that separated for something very similar to this. It hadn't been a pattern, but it did happen once. The fact that she left him and moved in with a friend seemed to serve as a wake-up call to him. Initially, both went to see a marriage counselor, and he agreed to see an anger management therapist. Eventually, they came back together, and are happy today as far as I can tell.

In other cases, I would agree that, for the safety of the spouse, they ought to at least leave the house. Loving someone doesn't mean letting them beat the living shit outta you.

I suppose my overall point was that I think it should be less of a no-questions-asked dealbreaker. If either of the two in the first example I gave continued in that pattern of infidelity, and they didn't exhibit a genuine desire to stop the illicit affairs, then it probably wouldn't have been salvageable. After all, it takes TWO people trying in order to make a marriage work.

I honestly think THAT should be the real dealbreaker: a willingness on the part of BOTH people to work at the marriage ... and I mean more than just an agreement to "give it another try." I mean a genuine desire for the relationship to return to the level of trust it once had.

If both parties aren't there, then it's probably not going to work. However, I think we all know that relationships are far from cut-and-dry in a LOT of areas, and I don't think this is an exception, personally.