Pick6;740191 wrote:si...If they are talking on the house phone, do you pick up another line and listen in on their conversation too? LOL

No, I don't but I can if I need to. It's the same scenario.

Like I said earlier, I think there is instances in which a parent is justified in intervening in their child's life; but a parent shouldn't go overboard on it or the child will rebel and resent the parent in the future. JMO

Gblock;740061 wrote:i dont have children but if i did i would base the decision to snoop on their cellphone on the amount of trust and responsibility they display at home and at school. if they are straight a's and not getting suspended. come and go on time respecting the boundaries, then why would i snoop..however if they give me a reason too then i would.

I have three teenage kids. This is exactly the method I use. My daughter is 18 and very responsible. Does not lie to my wife and I as well as gets good grades. I have not checked her phone in years. Since her Jr year in high school she pretty much has been able to come and go as she pleases. I never gave her a curfew as long as she gave us notice if she were coming home late so we would not worry.

My 16yr old son on the otherhand has displayed different behavior. My son has lied via text and told us he was someplace he was not. When he was 14 hatched a plot via text to meet up with some chick from Texas that was traveling to Michigan who he met at summer camp the prior year. They had been communicating via the cellphone I had provided him with. I had no idea this was going on at the time because I was not checking his messages. He got caught smoking pot at a friends house. His grades are horrible.

These acts of irresponsibility promted my wife and I to get proactive and intervene. By checking his messages we have prevented potentially dangerous behavior. For the next two years I will randomly check his texts. I am not rolling the dice and hoping I don't get a knock on the door at 1:00am. I did similar things and worse when I was a kid except for the grades. I got lucky many times. I am not relying on luck. He has acted more responsibly as of late so I think my advice is sinking in.

Great explanation and example majorspark.

Pick6;740191 wrote:siding with sleeper on this one...give your kids some privacy, let them make mistakes, its part of growing up. Trust me, I've grew up with people who had super strict parents....it usually makes the kid go crazy once they finally get away from home. Its not hard to delete text messages either. They will find ways to sneak around and they will more than likely be doing much more worse stuff than they would if you werent nibbing through every form of communication in their life. If they are talking on the house phone, do you pick up another line and listen in on their conversation too? LOL

I don't think monitoring texts and Facebook should be considered "super strict". Perhaps not allowing them to have a cell phone or Facebook at all could be considered that...but even then it's debatable. A lot of people have strange definitions of strict. I also grew up with kids that went crazy when they got to college but their parents did more than just check texts.

It will be a long time before I have a teenager to deal with but I can see myself having trouble letting my kids have either until they are at least 16. If they do have them I will be sure to keep a close eye on them. I've seen a ridiculous amount of news stories about young kids sexting and sending nude pictures to other kids. Guess what happens? It gets forwarded and is out there for the whole world to see. We live in the real world...celebrities can have a scandal like that and not have it harm their lives...normal people (especially kids) aren't so lucky. Ask a young girl that did that if she regrets it or if she would have done the same thing once she was an adult. I am betting she will say no. Kids make mistakes but there are some that don't need to be made. If monitoring my kids closely can prevent that I would be a fool not to do it.

Fab4Runner;740210 wrote:... Kids make mistakes but there are some that don't need to be made....

This is a wonderful line that I would like to use if there's ever a need with your permission and credit of course.

Con_Alma;740192 wrote:Online your account shows every incoming and outgoing message to and from number. Does it not? If she's deleting texts that are no longer in her phone yet are shown on the account then there's a reason she's deleting them. Trust gone and so is the phone.

I have AT&T and it only shows the dates and times of the texts, not the context of the texts. You are telling me as a father you are going to check every date of the texts and make sure each text is on the phone? Go ahead waste your life away with that micromanaging lol. 1. She may have to delete the texts because her memory is full and 2. It goes completely against the "I only check when I think something is up philosophy."

If the daughter is not an idiot, she can't get caught. It is pretty simple. If the father asks why she deleted her messages she isn't going to say "oh you caught me daddy, I was sexting with my boyfriend."

Also, I was more so talking about facebook, where she can privately send her messages. Once those messages are deleted, they are completely deleted. There is no family service plan where you can micromanage your daughter and her messages on there.

How about just try to be a good role model by teaching your kids proper morals, instead of wasting your time worrying if they are up to no good with their text messaging?

Con_Alma;740214 wrote:This is a wonderful line that I would like to use if there's ever a need with your permission and credit of course.

Go for it!

I just hate that line of thinking sometimes. Let them make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons. That doesn't mean I need to let my kid go out and drive drunk, smoke crack and make a sex tape.

like_that;740219 wrote:I have AT&T and it only shows the dates and times of the texts, not the context of the texts. You are telling me as a father you are going to check every date of the texts and make sure each text is on the phone? Go ahead waste your life away with that micromanaging lol. 1. She may have to delete the texts because her memory is full and 2. It goes completely against the "I only check when I think something is up philosophy."...

No, I am not telling you that I am going to check every date and text.

It doesn't go against the, "I only check when I think something is up philosophy." Like the examples shown above, if the actions and behaviors warrant I would routinely check.

It's my understanding that even AT&T shows the number a text is received from and the number it went to. I never mentioned it shows the content. If those texts are not present the date the account shows they occurred they are being deleted.

Kinda,

Called the wrong Hannah in my contact list, and asked her what she was doing that night (message, and pretty much ignored her voicemail lol). She called back and I was too embarrassed to say "oops". So we went on a date, and it ended up being awesome since I got sex for the next 3 weeks out of it lol.

The Hannah I was trying to reach is one of my best friends lol.

Laley23;740235 wrote:Kinda,

Called the wrong Hannah in my contact list, and asked her what she was doing that night (message, and pretty much ignored her voicemail lol). She called back and I was too embarrassed to say "oops". So we went on a date, and it ended up being awesome since I got sex for the next 3 weeks out of it lol.

The Hannah I was trying to reach is one of my best friends lol.

I know a hannah who had a kid. She swore she never knew she was pregnant the whole time and the BF said he didnt know because they never, um,you know. She gained just a little bit of weight....not much..and they thought she was just getting a little bigger. Didnt know she was having a kid until she went to ER with baaad cramps.....

........is there anything ya wanna confess to??

Con_Alma;740075 wrote:It's not their privacy that's being invaded. They are communicating on my device, my line that I have provided to them in the above scenario. In addition I as a parent have an obligation to make sure that they are doing so in a manner that's acceptable.

In the interest of full disclosure, this is my opinion on the above described scenario as opposed to an actual occurrence in my home.

That's fine. Like I said, I had one parent try to control my life and another that let me make all the mistakes in the world. Now that I'm grown, can you guess which parent I don't talk too? Mine is a simple example too, but the attitude of "I pay all the bills" and therefore I control everything and have the right to invade the privacy of my child is terrible parenting. Why not try, as another poster mentioned, to teach your child right and wrong instead of micromanaging and snooping their entire life? The former is good parenting, the latter is creepy and will only result in a torn relationship with your children in the future.

FatHobbit;740086 wrote:Agreed. My daughter is 13 and she knows I can and will read her txt messages whenever I feel like it.

The better question is, why does your 13 year old have a cell phone?

sherm03;740117 wrote:For you parents who want to keep even closer tabs on your kids...there is an application available for Android designed for this. You download the app on to your kid's phone, and every time they send or receive a text message, it is forwarded to your phone. They have no idea it happens, and the application doesn't show up in the app tray...so they don't even have to know that the application is on their phone.

Wow, just wow. Get a life.

sleeper;740289 wrote:That's fine. Like I said, I had one parent try to control my life and another that let me make all the mistakes in the world. Now that I'm grown, can you guess which parent I don't talk too? Mine is a simple example too, but the attitude of "I pay all the bills" and therefore I control everything and have the right to invade the privacy of my child is terrible parenting. Why not try, as another poster mentioned, to teach your child right and wrong instead of micromanaging and snooping their entire life? The former is good parenting, the latter is creepy and will only result in a torn relationship with your children in the future.

It's not either or. It's both.

Teach them right and wrong. Let them make decisions and learn from them but there is a line that when trust is broken and the magnitude of a potential mistake outweighs the learning through experience method.

In addition I don't take the, I pay the bills and therefore I control everything attitude. I take the, your my child and I have the obligation to enable AND protect you.

My comments regarding privacy related to the fact that nothing is private when you are using someone else's phone.

Con_Alma;740192 wrote:Online your account shows every incoming and outgoing message to and from number. Does it not? If she's deleting texts that are no longer in her phone yet are shown on the account then there's a reason she's deleting them. Trust gone and so is the phone.

Depending on how old the phone there is a text limit in the inbox and messages need to be deleted. My old flip phone was like this. Also, i delete irrelevant text messages so it being deleted on the phone but showing up on the bill is normal. Also, didn't you say you don't have a cell phone?

Cat Food Flambe';740132 wrote:It's a balance. As a parent, I'm legally responsible for my 14-year-old's actions - if they really screw up, I'm responsible - legally, financially, and morally. On the other hand, you have to let them make a few mistakes on their own.

We never snooped, or conducted periodic searches of rooms or cell phone messages. We did, however, maintain the policy that we had full right to do so, but that we wouldn't invoke said policy unless we had reason to believe that something illegal, immoral, or fattening was going on. Only had to do this once - as it turned out, it was definitely the right thing to have done.

Yes, but I think trust and teaching your child right from wrong at an early age is way better than trying to poke around their life and control everything. I think if you really feel that your child is out of control, take away the cell phone, but don't breach the thin fabric of trust that you won't ever get back.

Pick6;740191 wrote:siding with sleeper on this one...give your kids some privacy, let them make mistakes, its part of growing up. Trust me, I've grew up with people who had super strict parents....it usually makes the kid go crazy once they finally get away from home. Its not hard to delete text messages either. They will find ways to sneak around and they will more than likely be doing much more worse stuff than they would if you werent nibbing through every form of communication in their life. If they are talking on the house phone, do you pick up another line and listen in on their conversation too? LOL

+1

Thank you for the courage in siding with me.

Con_Alma;740192 wrote:Online your account shows every incoming and outgoing message to and from number. Does it not? If she's deleting texts that are no longer in her phone yet are shown on the account then there's a reason she's deleting them. Trust gone and so is the phone.

Get a life.

dwccrew;740197 wrote:Like I said earlier, I think there is instances in which a parent is justified in intervening in their child's life; but a parent shouldn't go overboard on it or the child will rebel and resent the parent in the future. JMO

I could see it in extreme cases, but like I said, you really need to do a cost-benefit analysis before you pick up the phone and look through the messages. The cost is pretty steep, and if you don't find anything you essentially ruined your relationship with your children for life.

Rawdawg....Yes I understand that my example isn't full-proof and there are opportunities for getting around being checked.

No, I do not have a mobile phone. I got rid of it several years ago.

Con_Alma;740300 wrote:It's not either or. It's both.

Teach them right and wrong. Let them make decisions and learn from them but there is a line that when trust is broken and the magnitude of a potential mistake outweighs the learning through experience method.

In addition I don't take the, I pay the bills and therefore I control everything attitude. I take the, your my child and I have the obligation to enable AND protect you.

My comments regarding privacy related to the fact that nothing is private when you are using someone else's phone.

And searching through someone's phone doesn't break the trust?

Also, you are paying for the phone, it is not YOUR phone. It's his/her phone. Like the question I've posed MB, is it okay to look through your child's journal because you paid for it?

sleeper;740320 wrote:And searching through someone's phone doesn't break the trust?

Also, you are paying for the phone, it is not YOUR phone. It's his/her phone. Like the question I've posed MB, is it okay to look through your child's journal because you paid for it?

I don't believe it breaks the trust because it is known upfront that the possibility exists. A child promising to do and act in certain ways and then not doing it breaks trust.

Not only is it O.K. to look through anything of a "child's" if there is danger or the potential for irreparable actions that can be uncovered but it is a responsibility to do so and it doesn't matter who paid for anything. Heck, it could have been given to them as a gift.

trep14;740120 wrote:Hmm. Texting wasn't really big when I was 13/14. But IM was. I would have been very upset with my parents if they had gone through and read my conversations on there. Not necessarily because I had anything to hide, I was a good kid, but I would just feel like my space was being violated. I hate to agree with Sleeper, but I don't think when I'm a parent that I will be going through their messages. Too far.

+1

But who's paying for your right to IM? LOL

Parent: Please take your clothes off, I would like to see you naked.
Young girl: Umm, no, that's sick, I'm 15.
Parent: I paid for those clothes, and until you are an adult, those are my clothes
Young girl: Ok Daddy =(

You people disgust me.

Con_Alma;740325 wrote:I don't believe it breaks the trust because it is known upfront that the possibility exists. A child promising to do and act in certain ways and then not doing it breaks trust.

Not only is it O.K. to look through anything of a "child's" if there is danger or the potential for irreparable actions that can be uncovered but it is a responsibility to do so and it doesn't matter who paid for anything. Heck, it could have been given to them as a gift.

I hope you plan on wiping your own ass when you retire because your kids will probably be off making mistakes and doing just fine without you. Good luck.

I don't plan on luck being a factor in my butt getting wiped and I'm certain it won't be my kids doing the wiping if needed. A quality LTC policy with some additional funding will take care of that but thanks for the well wishes.

majorspark;740198 wrote:My 16yr old son on the otherhand has displayed different behavior. My son has lied via text and told us he was someplace he was not. When he was 14 hatched a plot via text to meet up with some chick from Texas that was traveling to Michigan who he met at summer camp the prior year. They had been communicating via the cellphone I had provided him with. I had no idea this was going on at the time because I was not checking his messages. He got caught smoking pot at a friends house. His grades are horrible.

These acts of irresponsibility promted my wife and I to get proactive and intervene. By checking his messages we have prevented potentially dangerous behavior. For the next two years I will randomly check his texts. I am not rolling the dice and hoping I don't get a knock on the door at 1:00am. I did similar things and worse when I was a kid except for the grades. I got lucky many times. I am not relying on luck. He has acted more responsibly as of late so I think my advice is sinking in.

You're naive if you really think you are preventing dangerous behavior or that you're overprotective and controlling nature is what is causing him to "change". He's the same guy, but he's gotten a thousand times better at being dishonest while making the same mistakes he would make if you hadn't intervened. Like I said, you've effectively destroyed your relationship with your son, while at the same time opening him up to greater risks that he will take when he finally gets free from your oppressive reign.

sleeper;740337 wrote:You're naive if you really think you are preventing dangerous behavior or that you're overprotective and controlling nature is what is causing him to "change"....

A parent not being able to prevent all harm in the world to their children is not reason enough to not make reasonable attempts to do so.

Outward signs of obvious concern have shown to be the greatest sign of parental love. The mistake I think you are reading into these positions is that there's an appropriate time and circumstance that intervention should occur. It's not something that must and does exist all the time.