I was over at the neighbor's house at a cookout last night. My two neighbors are marred and have two children of their own. The husband has one from a prior marriage. Yesterday I saw something that I have witnessed before from this couple: The wife really does not like her step-son. He is a pretty good kid IMO. He is 11 years old. He is very polite and comes across as a very normal boy of his age. You can just see in her eyes that she hates the fact the step-son comes aroud every other weekend. She doesn't speak to him like she does her own two. When he leaves the area she complains to everyone else about him, things he said or did (which really are not out of the ordinary, or the child support the husband pays.

Anyone else every experience this? Anyone else grow up in an environment where the step-parent does not want you around? Anyone have that situation with their own child (a wife/girlfriend who does not want their kid around). That's got to be tough all around.

I was/am lucky to get along good with both of my step parents and have both of them treat me the same as their own.

In most cases, it seems this is not the case

^^ I agree with that. I guess I am sensitive to the issue because I have a child from another marriage and am lucky enough to have a situation where my wife is wonderful to my son. I just know of a couple examples like I cited above.

Step parenting is a tough gig, there's a fine line between doing too little and doing too much. Trial and error has helped me to find the lines of demarcation, of course my son is now 21.

My mom endured years of physical and mental abuse from her step mother who really never wanted anything to do with her. It ended with mom leaving home at 17 to live with an aunt and uncle to finish out high school. Fortunately she used her childhood experience as a basis on how not to raise your kid, and it would be many years before her and her step mom acknowledged what happened and made peace with it.

I have four step children, as much as I try to be impartial when it comes to issues involving biological child vs. step child I do find myself "favoring" my biological children. As much as I try to be neutral I believe "favoring" in simply unavoidable. I don't hate my step children and for the most part enjoy them being part of my life, but there are times when I hold grudges against not only the kids but their biological father. I think that is all just human nature.

Step-parenting is one of those no-win situations - if you take an active role in raising the child, you catch hell as an overbearing egomaniac every time you make a decision that isn't popular with the child (and hence the "other parent" family. If you don't act as the responsible adult, you're a lazy no-good SOB who lets the child get away with murder.

We raised someone else 's child from the time that they were ten - even without an "ex" barking in the background, it's not something we'll ever do again. I have a tremendous amount of respect for those many families who make the arrangement work.

My wife and I have 6 kids between us. We treat each one like they are from our marriage. It takes work for sure but it can be done. It helps that we're all from the same school district. All of our kids are very happy and well adjusted. Getting along with the ex helps as well. For example we all sit together at my son's football games. When the parents get along the kids are much better off.

It's not an easy position to be in but it's better than the kids being in a single parent home. It's hard work but the alternative is not good. Remember that you are the adult and if the dynamics are tough on you they will most likely be even more difficult for the child to adjust to. Best wishes to all step-parents.

According to Getting Men Involved: The Newsletter of the Bay Area Male Involvement Network, Spring 1997:

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census
90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)
71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all Gods Children.)
70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

I adopted my step-daughter. Have never once treated her like she was not my very own.

I am sure it's tough but in my experience my stepdad and stepmom did a wonderful job.

My stepdad has been in my life since I was nine and has always treated my brothers, sister and me like his own. He helped raise and support us (emotionally, financially, etc) and we were expected to treat him like our parent and not just some guy. We followed his rules and showed him respect. We have our arguments and fights but that happens with my mom as well. Every kid is going to have differences with their parents at some point. Still, we are pretty close and I plan to have my real dad and my stepdad walk me down the aisle when I get married.

I also get along well with my stepmom but since I never lived with my dad or her full time we aren't as close. She was always very loving and supportive and I think she did a great job.

I do not understand the step-parents that think they should not take an active role in raising their step-children. I lived with my stepdad for 9 years and it would have been so weird if he had just stood by and let my mom handle things. They are a married couple and we are all their children.

Nice post Fab and all so true. Unfortunately for my step - daughter who turns 16 tomorrow her real Dad has nothing to do with her, and never really has, even though he sees her brothers every other weekend. She considers me her only Dad and I fully accept her as my daughter and always will. Her Mother and I will be the only ones walking her down the aisle when the day comes.

Cat Food Flambe';806576 wrote:Step-parenting is one of those no-win situations - if you take an active role in raising the child, you catch hell as an overbearing egomaniac every time you make a decision that isn't popular with the child (and hence the "other parent" family. If you don't act as the responsible adult, you're a lazy no-good SOB who lets the child get away with murder.
.

This ! You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. They want you to step up and discipline the kids when it's convenient for them (the mother or father) but when you do it when YOU see something wrong you get bitched at with the "it's not your kid" bullshit.

Con_Alma;807251 wrote:It's not an easy position to be in but it's better than the kids being in a single parent home. It's hard work but the alternative is not good. Remember that you are the adult and if the dynamics are tough on you they will most likely be even more difficult for the child to adjust to. Best wishes to all step-parents.

According to Getting Men Involved: The Newsletter of the Bay Area Male Involvement Network, Spring 1997:

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census
90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)
71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all Gods Children.)
70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

Very good post. Excellent thread all around.

Fab4Runner;807286 wrote:I am sure it's tough but in my experience my stepdad and stepmom did a wonderful job.

My stepdad has been in my life since I was nine and has always treated my brothers, sister and me like his own. He helped raise and support us (emotionally, financially, etc) and we were expected to treat him like our parent and not just some guy. We followed his rules and showed him respect. We have our arguments and fights but that happens with my mom as well. Every kid is going to have differences with their parents at some point. Still, we are pretty close and I plan to have my real dad and my stepdad walk me down the aisle when I get married.

I also get along well with my stepmom but since I never lived with my dad or her full time we aren't as close. She was always very loving and supportive and I think she did a great job.

I do not understand the step-parents that think they should not take an active role in raising their step-children. I lived with my stepdad for 9 years and it would have been so weird if he had just stood by and let my mom handle things. They are a married couple and we are all their children.

Sounds nice Fab. I don't have any step-children, but my Daughter lived with her Mom and Step-Dad since grade school, luckily just a few miles away. He was/is a great Step Dad and treated her as one of his own. He has 2 Boys of his own. I've even had a discussion with him thanking him for being a great Father and WE were lucky enough to find a Step-Dad like him. Both of our families have been close over the years, in spite of the divorce, as we chose to keep her number one in both of our lives. (Plus our divorce was in 1990)

Last year she got married and we both walked her down the aisle. I brought her in first then handed her of to her Step-Dad. (much like in real life) The only sad thing now is her Mom and Step-Dad got divorced a while before the Wedding, but she still keeps in touch with him. (as I would want her too...and that was divorce number 3 for her Mom)

Now that I posted that about how great her second Step-Dad is, Step-Dad number one was a pure asshole. He even went as far as telling our Daughter that “I’m your Dad now, he’s not anymore.” That’s not something you tell a 4-5 year old, or any child for that matter. He was young and immature, who was a total control freak, probably because he knew how my Ex was. I mean she cheated on me with Him, maybe he was expecting the same from her…and I believe he got it. I think he just wanted my Ex and saw our Daughter as an unwanted add on to the relationship. I was elated to hear that they were getting divorced. Plus when they split my Ex and Daughter moved back to Ohio from out West. (Where I never got to see my Daughter for a couple of years) I even sent the Ex money to help finance her trip back to Ohio. Anything to get my kid close to me and away from that POS.

I have a brother-in-law who's second wife has was such a bitch to his daughter that she stopped going to his house. (Partially because when they bought the new house, she didn't even have a bedroom.) He only sees her on the holidays and that's at his parent's house. But as big of a bitch that she was to the poor girl, I believe the blame is still on bro-in-law for letting his wife treat her so bad. I can't imagine being with someone who was mean to my child.

I have 3 great step-kids who I love like my own. The only 'bad' feelings I get about them are at certain times when I'm just jealous because I'm not their 'real' mom.

Little Danny;806542 wrote:I was over at the neighbor's house at a cookout last night. My two neighbors are marred and have two children of their own. The husband has one from a prior marriage. Yesterday I saw something that I have witnessed before from this couple: The wife really does not like her step-son. He is a pretty good kid IMO. He is 11 years old. He is very polite and comes across as a very normal boy of his age. You can just see in her eyes that she hates the fact the step-son comes aroud every other weekend. She doesn't speak to him like she does her own two. When he leaves the area she complains to everyone else about him, things he said or did (which really are not out of the ordinary, or the child support the husband pays.

Anyone else every experience this? Anyone else grow up in an environment where the step-parent does not want you around? Anyone have that situation with their own child (a wife/girlfriend who does not want their kid around). That's got to be tough all around.

My old man didnt want me around and I didnt want to be around him either,and that was my real parent ...The kid in question may not be all peaches and cream . Or his ex wife may be difficult ,or funny . The step mother probably could be better ,but if I was the kid I wouldnt want her to put on a phony facad either . Both parties should respect each other and its up to the father to set the boundaries ..........If your going to marry someone with kids you have to take the kid into consideration .. Ive seen step kids that were so sneaky and tried to set up the father for wrongdoing because the mother put the kids up to it ... I am not talking sexual or anything like that, Im talking about petty ass bullshit that didnt even fly in the courtroom ....The kid was given a camera and he took pictures of wastpaperbaskets with a few beer cans in it ,a condom rapper from the older nephew who was also staying at this house .. empty packets of cold medicine that she tried to say was some kid of drugs ...yep shit like that ...people are freaking crazy when it comes to step kids ... Ill tell you this though I dont like those kids ..but then I dont really talk to any of those people ..way too much stress and drama