Guy owns a Dildo store. He has to go out of town for the weekend so he hires some college kid to man the shop while he's gone."It's really easy kid" he says "the black ones are $35 and the white ones are $25, I'll see ya Monday."

Monday rolls around and the guy walks into his shop and says "Hey, how'd it go?" "Pretty good" says the kid, "I sold 2 black ones at 35 each, 3 white ones at 25 each.................and I sold my Thermos for 50." Ba-dum-ching!

A man comes home from work and sees his wife at the top of the stairs. She throws one leg over the railing and slides down backwards. The husband just shakes his head and thinks it's wierd but doesn't say anything. The wife continues to climb the stairs and once again throws her leg over and slides down the rail. After see her do this two more times the husbands curiosity finally gets to him. "Honey, can I ask what in the world you are doing?" The wife replies. "Nothing Dear, just heating up dinner"

Little Timmy and his Grandpa are on their way home from the park. Grandpa decides to stop and get some gas, when Grandpa goes into the building to pay for the gas he tells Timmy that he can pick out anything he wants for being such a good boy.

Timmy gets excited and takes off towards the back of the store. He comes back with a case of beer "grandpa, grandpa can I have this?"

Grandpa looks at the case of beer and says "case of beer huh?"... "well lemme ask you a question Timmy, does your dick reach your ass?"

Timmy thinks about it for a second and says "no"

Grandpa says "well then no, you cant have the case of beer"

Timmy doesnt give up. He takes off towards the front of the store and comes back with a pack of cigars "grandpa, grandpa can I have this?"

Grandpa says "Cigars huh?" well......."lemme ask you a question Timmy, does your dick reach your ass?"

Again, Timmy says "no"

Grandpa says "well, you cant have the cigars"

Timmy is getting pissed at this point, he goes to the counter with his grandpa and asks if he can have an instant lotto ticket

Grandpa thinks about it and says "sure, it just a lottery ticket, I dont see the harm in that"

Timmy grabs the ticket and scractes it off on the counter.

"I WON A MILLION DOLLARS!" Timmy yells

Grandpa looks at the ticket "Are you going to share the money with me Timmy? I'm the one that bought you the ticket ya know"

Timmy looks at grandpa and says "well lemme ask you a question grandpa, does your dick reach your ass"

Grandpa think about it for a second and says "why yes it does, my dick does reach my ass"

Timmy looks back at grandpa and says "Good, go fuck yourself"

A little boy goes up to his dad and says, "Dad, what's the difference between "potentially" and "realistically"?" Dad says, "I'll tell ya what, go ask your mom, sister, and brother if they would sleep w/ Brad Pitt for a million dollars." So the boys says, "mom, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars". "Of course I would" she says, "you know how much that money can help our family". So then he asks his sister, and she says "Absolutely! I love Brad Pitt". Finally he asks his brother. "You know how much stuff you could buy w/ a million dollars? I definitely would."
He goes back to his dad. "Did you ask them", his dad says. "Yes", the boy responds. "Well what did you figure out". The boy replies, "Well "potentially" we're sitting on 3 million dollars, but "realistically" we live with 2 hookers and a homo"!!

How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Hey wanna ride bikes?

Jokes?

Art Modell.



And I don't mean the real person.

nock nock

Not really a regular joke but pretty fun thing from www.broslikethissite.com

"We’re honestly less than 5 years away from Justin Bieber headlining “Celebrity Rehab.” I can just see him now crying on a couch next to some washed up C-list actress like Topanga from “Boy Meets World” about how his puberty-stunting medication addiction took over his fucking life."

Firad;644825 wrote:Not really a regular joke but pretty fun thing from www.broslikethissite.com

"We’re honestly less than 5 years away from Justin Bieber headlining “Celebrity Rehab.” I can just see him now crying on a couch next to some washed up C-list actress like Topanga from “Boy Meets World” about how his puberty-stunting medication addiction took over his fucking life."

Made me lol.

A guy and his girlfriend were a short time from getting married but the guy was having 2nd thoughts. He told his girlfriend that he just wasn't sure he could live with a woman that had such small boobs. The guy wanted her to get implants but the girlfriend was worried about having surgery at such a young age and she knew a witch docter that had helped out one of her friends with her problem. The guy agrees to let her try. The woman goes to this "docter" and comes back with a remedy for her small boobs. Before going to bed she had to get naked, get in front of the mirror and say the following "mirror mirror on the door make my boobs a 34".....the next morning she woke up and her boobs were a little bigger and the boyfriend liked what he saw.......but also wondered if she could just change the poem a little bit....

So the next night she gets naked and gets in front of her mirror and says "mirror mirror on the door, make my boobs a 44".....next morning....WOW, she's huge! She shows her husband to be and he is ecstatic. They are definately getting married now!

But the guy keeps wondering about this poem of magic and gets creative.......that night he gets naked and goes in front of the mirror and says "mirror mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor"......................the guy woke up the next morning and was only 3 inches tall.

se-alum;644650 wrote:A little boy goes up to his dad and says, "Dad, what's the difference between "potentially" and "realistically"?" Dad says, "I'll tell ya what, go ask your mom, sister, and brother if they would sleep w/ Brad Pitt for a million dollars." So the boys says, "mom, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars". "Of course I would" she says, "you know how much that money can help our family". So then he asks his sister, and she says "Absolutely! I love Brad Pitt". Finally he asks his brother. "You know how much stuff you could buy w/ a million dollars? I definitely would."
He goes back to his dad. "Did you ask them", his dad says. "Yes", the boy responds. "Well what did you figure out". The boy replies, "Well "potentially" we're sitting on 3 million dollars, but "realistically" we live with 2 hookers and a homo"!!

This was funny

se-alum;644650 wrote:A little boy goes up to his dad and says, "Dad, what's the difference between "potentially" and "realistically"?" Dad says, "I'll tell ya what, go ask your mom, sister, and brother if they would sleep w/ Brad Pitt for a million dollars." So the boys says, "mom, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars". "Of course I would" she says, "you know how much that money can help our family". So then he asks his sister, and she says "Absolutely! I love Brad Pitt". Finally he asks his brother. "You know how much stuff you could buy w/ a million dollars? I definitely would."
He goes back to his dad. "Did you ask them", his dad says. "Yes", the boy responds. "Well what did you figure out". The boy replies, "Well "potentially" we're sitting on 3 million dollars, but "realistically" we live with 2 hookers and a homo"!!

This is the best one of the thread so far.

...Guy comes home and gives his wife a dozen roses. His wife says " great, I guess now I have to spread my legs right"?
and the husband says "Why, don't you have a vase"?

A man wins the mega millions and immediately goes nuts. He hurries home as fast as he can and screeches his car into the driveway. He runs up to the front door, opens it, and yells, “Honey, pack your bags I just won the lottery.”

His wife comes flying around the corner screaming ecstatically and responds, “Oh my god, what should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The husband replies, “I don’t care, just get the fuck out.”

^ Haha, perfect punchline.

Zoltan;646614 wrote:A man wins the mega millions and immediately goes nuts. He hurries home as fast as he can and screeches his car into the driveway. He runs up to the front door, opens it, and yells, “Honey, pack your bags I just won the lottery.”

His wife comes flying around the corner screaming ecstatically and responds, “Oh my god, what should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The husband replies, “I don’t care, just get the fuck out.”

Winner.

The teacher walks into her third grade class on friday morning and finds her best student, Timmy, sitting in the front row at his desk, holding a cat, shaking violently and trying to hold back tears. The teacher asks Timmy what seems to be the matter, and why he brought an animal to school when he clearly knows this is against the rules. Timmy replies, "well, I was eating breakfast this morning and I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I'm gonna eat that pussy when the kids leave'".

An real straight-laced accountant gets sent to prison for embezzlement. On his first day in the pen he is really nervous about what to expect so he confides in his cell mate. The cell mate says "you just need to relax, we do all the same stuff in here that you can do on the outside." The cell mate continues "Do you like to play cards?" to which to accountant replies "Sure I love to play cards." The cell mate says "Well every Tuesday we sit and play poker until midnight." The cell mate asks "How about golf, do you like to play golf?" and the accountant replies "I'm an accountant, of course I love to play golf!" The cell mate says "Look outside, there's a golf course here that you call play all day on Wednesday." So now the accountant is relaxing a little bit and thinking prison might not be so bad. The cell mate then asks the accountant "What about sex, do you like to have sex?" so the accountant replies "Hell yes I like sex!" The cell mate asks "Sex with men or women?" and the account says "Well women of course!" and the cell mate replies "Oh, well you're gonna hate Thursdays."

What do you call a guy who sits on your front porch with no arms and no legs?
Matt

gerb131;647597 wrote:What do you call a guy who sits on your front porch with no arms and no legs?
Matt

What do you call a girl that has one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen

If the two legged lady works at Waffle House where does the one legged lady work? IHOP (Got this from a 1st grader) It's dumb but I chuckled.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few
minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my
arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[video=youtube;3o5m_mXadoU][/video]

Women are like parking spaces. Normally all the good ones are taken. So occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

Ba-zing.

What goes blonde - brunette - blonde - brunette - blonde - brunette - blonde?
A: a blonde doing cartwheels.