First, you must spread a thick layer of peanut butter onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the peanut butter on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread peanut butter on one side. Spreading peanut butter on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich. Next, you must spread a thick layer of jelly onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the jelly on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread jelly on one side. Spreading jelly on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich. You cannot spread jelly onto the same slice of bread onto which you have spread peanut butter. Also, you cannot spread peanut butter or jelly onto more than one slice of bread, as this will provide an undesired excess of either ingredient. Additionally, only peanut butter and jelly can be spread onto these slices of bread; no other ingredient will suffice, and no substitute can be used in a sandwich that is to be legitimately recognized as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Likewise, only bread may be the substance upon which the peanut butter and jelly are spread, as anything else does not fit the standards of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; if the peanut butter and jelly are spread onto a culinary medium that isn’t bread, the meal at hand simply is not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once you have accomplished spreading a thin layer of peanut butter onto the white of one side of one slice of bread, and likewise has been accomplished using grape jelly on a separate slice of bread, you must match the slices of bread up to each other, forming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In this scenario, the peanut butter-covered face of bread must be facing the jelly-covered face of the second slice of bread so that the peanut butter surface touched the surface of the jelly. The surface of the peanut butter is not allowed to touch a jelly-less substance of bread, resulting in the jelly facing outwards, and likewise applies to the jelly. If a substance is found facing on the outside of the sandwich, the product will not be accepted as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The side with peanut butter and the side with jelly on it must match up and stick together to form one solid sandwich. When the eater picks up the sandwich, he or she must hold both pieces of bread at the same time, or else one slice will fall off, and eating only one slice of bread will not be recognized as the same or even similar to eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Next, you must take a bite of the sandwich. This action will consist of moving the sandwich within such a close proximity of your face that a small “bite” of the sandwich will enter your mouth for you to mash up with your teeth. This bite must be a bite that includes both slices of bread, peanut butter and jelly. Make sure that all obstructions are clear from the mouth and esophagus, not including peanut butter, jelly or bread or any combination of said ingredients. If you have followed all previous steps, this goal will be easily accomplished. Not doing so will create an incorrect and inferior dining experience and thus will not be a peanut and butter sandwich that is being eaten. However, if one successfully gets both peanut butter and jelly in one bite that fits in the mouth and does not result in choking, the dining experience is thus far acceptable. For your complete experience with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to be considered complete and unobjectionable, you must perform the previously mentioned series of taking bites of the sandwich, chewing them, and swallowing them repeatedly until the entire sandwich has been removed visible existence. These circumstances may only be reached by eating the entire sandwich, and no parts of the sandwich may be thrown away or given to somebody else. This is your sandwich, and your responsibility. For the Dining experience to be completed, the sandwich must be completely digested. In the context of completing the process of consuming a legitimate peanut butter and jelly sandwich, there are no extenuating circumstances. Actions such as vomiting, surgical removal of the sandwich from the body, or placement of the sandwich inside the lungs opposed to the esophagus will not be taken into account, as they do not result in the complete digestion of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The process must come to a close via rectal excrement of feces that have been provided by the digestion of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once the peanut butter and jelly sandwich-fueled feces have exited the rectum, they must remain free from the rectum to be considered conclusive in the process of physically processing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If the feces re-enters the rectum, the process will be rendered a failure, and must be started again.

Are you high?

One day on Halloween, I decided to fuck with the major retard at school when I came out of science for break. He was dressed as Ash. Knowing this was going to happen, I brought a Mudkips doll. Thus I started the conversation, making sure no one saw me.

"So I herd you liek Mudkipz..."

"Mudkips? I LUUUUUUUUUUUURVE MUDKIPS."

"Oh really? So, would you ever fuck a Mudkips, that is..."(he cuts me off before I could say "if you were a Mudkips.")

"OF COURSE."

"Well I just happen to have a Mudkip here, and.."

Before I finished the sentence, which would have resulted in me hitting him across the face with the doll, he grabbed it. In one swift motion his pants were down and he was violently humping it. Not to get between a man and his Mudkips, I started to walk away, because there is no way I'd be caught wrestling a half-naked crazy guy humping a Mudkips.

Needless to say, within 5 to 10 seconds, some girls saw him and started screaming. I coolly walked into a restroom, pretending nothing had ever happened; not that I had intended that outcome, but now that it was in play I didn't want to be involved.

I came back two minutes later, and like any wanton act on school grounds there was now a huge crowd round him. He was still fucking it and baying this real fucked up 'EEEEEEEEEEINNNNF EEEEEEEEEEINNNF' sound. Suddenly a scuffle broke out in the middle, meaning he probably did something stupid. I asked someone what had happened. A girlfriend of one of the football players tried to get him to stop, but he bit her for trying to take it away. Someone called in a few football players (all dressed up like Road Warrior) who proceeded to pummel the shit out of the guy. Meanwhile the school police were freaking out and having trouble getting in to the situation.

A few minutes later the intruder alarm went off and we were shuffled into classrooms. Over the intercom the principal announced that someone had thrown a flaming plush toy into the library. Uh.. what the hell.

So we were kept there and about 30 minutes later the principal came on again. This time he was saying that whoever was behind the beating should turn themselves in. All of a sudden this woman began yelling "I WILL SUE YOU FOR DAMAGES. YOU LITTLE PUNKS, I'M GONNA SUE..." and it was cut off.

I asked an office later what had happened. Apparently his mother had come to pick him up and threatened to sue for the beating and 'whatever else happened.' The school threatened to counter-sue because of lewd conduct, inciting a riot, and starting a fight.

My mom got scared and said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabby, "Yo Holmes, smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

So I ask you: do you like Mudkipz?

i luuurve mudkipz!!!!111!

10/10, would read again.

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value=" name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>